Once upon a time, there was an old widow who lived with her son, Jack, on their farm. Unfortunately for Jack and his mother, they were poor and barely had enough money to keep themselves fed. One day, Jack’s mother turned to him and said “Jack, we need to sell the cow so that we can buy enough seed to plant a good crop.” I suppose they were vegetarians since they didn’t even consider that the old milking cow was literally made of meat.

Anyway, the next morning Jack set out for the market to sell the old cow…alone…even though he was a kid and the market was an hour away. But on his way to the market, Jack came across a strange old man. “Hello there Jack,” said the old man who Jack had never met before but somehow knew his name. “What are you doing with your cow?”

“I’m off to the market to sell her,” said Jack, whose mother never taught him about stranger-danger even though she would apparently just send him off to the market alone. “My mother and I need money to buy seeds for a good crop.”

“You seem like a good boy Jack. Why don’t I buy the cow from you? I have no money, but I do have these magic seeds. From them, you can grow a special crop in just one night. And you can do so many things with this crop. You can smoke it, add it to baked goods, blend it into smoothies, sell it to friends.”

“Well that seems fair,” replied Jack taking the handful of seeds from the old man. When Jack returned home and told his mother of his sale, she wept. Jack felt so distraught that he threw the seeds out his window.

By the next morning, a great weed-stalk stood right outside Jack’s window.

Unbeknownst to Jack, the small candle he kept by his window set fire to the leaves that had grown through his window, filling the room with a cloud of smoke. When Jack finally woke, he was floating on a cloud in the front yard of the most amazing castle. And in the yard, he found eggs made of solid gold and a harp that could play itself.

Jack was so entranced by these treasures that he had to take them back home, because when you get high enough, you are apparently above the law. As Jack moved toward the weed-stalk to return home, a giant figure appeared and chased after him, yelling what sounded like gibberish to Jack. Though it was probably something along the lines of “Hey, stop stealing my stuff, you ass.”

Jack quickly made his way back down the weed-stalk, but the giant continued to pursue him. So instead of giving back the stuff he had stolen, Jack cut down the weed-stalk, causing the giant to fall to his death.