The recent state of the Toronto Transit Commission has made some locals not only late for work, but also put them out of it. The near-20,000 annual subway delays are endangering the traditional culture and way of life of Wild West criminal families.
“My great-great grandfather made a living out of abductin’ innocents from the local burg,” attests self-identifying outlaw Harvey P. Weintz. “He’d tie ’em to the train tracks just before the arrival of the 7:10 express, sit back and watch the chaos unfold as some hero ranger rushed to untie his victim before they got flattened.”
Of central importance to the Weintz family’s move to Toronto was the presence of subway tracks, which Weintz felt would ensure he would be able to continue the noble work of his lineage. The TTC’s constant delays show that the Rocket is in fact a poor substitute for the railroad tracks of the Old West. “Now you get someone down on the tracks, start tyin’– but no, just as you get ’em gagged, there comes that darned voice, announcin’ that trains will be moving slower’n usual as a result of a passenger alarm activated at St. George.” The time-sensitive nature of Weintz’s work does not allow for even small delays in transit. “If you tie ’em too early, and no train comes, someone’ll save ’em even before the tracks start vibratin’. Jig’s up, there’s no point continuin’ after that.”
Weintz cited a number of other impediments to his work. “Not only do you have to pay fare to even get down the subway, but once you’re there, the mood is just horrible, no blazing sun or hot sand. Doesn’t hold a candle to the Old West. An’ even if you manage to get someone on the tracks, squealin’ away like a stuck pig, no one notices. They’re all streaming High Noon off Netflix, court’sy of TCONNECT. There’s just no suspense to it anymore.”
