Remember that kid you went to school with? The one who was obsessed with making his own liquor because a) he couldn’t afford it and b) none of y’all were legal anyways. Well, that kid was me. Life’s been pretty good to me since getting out of juvie. I’ve really turned it around. Following my gut instinct, I relocated to the Appalachians and started my latest entrepreneurship, teaching beginner moonshiners. 

Because the government’s still monitoring me, I can only release certain details, but I’ll risk it to give a sneak-peak to you folks back home. In March, I’ll be releasing my latest literature and help guide, “Me and My Likker,” exclusively on VHS. I’ll also be self-publishing my latest brochure alongside it, a how-to on avoiding court-mandated AA meetings. 

Anyways, now that we’ve gotten my shameless self-advertisement out of the way, I’ll give you some helpful starters on moonshining. The most important thing to remember about moonshine is that it tastes like crap and is mostly poisonous. This booze contains methanol, acetone, acetaldehyde, acetate, and ethanol. Try not to drink anything besides the ethanol, because you will either die or have one heck of an experience. The tricky part is boiling down, let’s say, corn into a perfectly balanced concoction of ethanol and other things. 

There’s also something to be said about water vapour and 172 degrees Fahrenheit, but I’m sure that’s just straightforward distilling stuff that an experienced beginner like you already knows. You may accidentally make some sort of vodka or whiskey hooch the first couple times, but don’t sweat it, those equally taste like crap. I guess what I’m really trying to get at is that alcohol is garbage, I regret everything, please buy my book.