The Eaton center has announced that a popular clothing store will be opening its doors to the Canadian public for the first time this month.
‘Murican Eagle is known in the United States for its wide, patriotic selection of off-brand fashion. The shop promises to bring “a little taste of the states” to the Canadian consumers, which it claims is “totally a different culture“. Customers can expect a rich atmosphere of freedom, economic tumult and racial tension.
Despite the franchise’s move from the mid-western United States, ‘Murican Eagle will offer a considerable winter line-up, including confederate flag wool blankets, fluffy wife beaters, and XXXL snuggies. It also boasts personal scooters in place of shopping carts, in order to better serve its customers and their asses.
“We’re all about comfort,“ said the manager of the new location, “and if my rear isn’t happy, I’m not happy.”
The Eaton center reportedly struggled to adopt this American franchise due to clashes in food court contract agreements. The mall has already promised the food establishments complete monopoly, but ‘Murican Eagle would not comply without its built-in KFC.
“Customers should be able to indulge in herbs and spices whenever they please,” said Eagle CEO Gus Murray. “It’s core to our mission statement.“
After months of negotiation, the store location was moved to the food court, which both sides find to be a natural solution.
The ‘Murican Eagle franchise has recently declared a “war on high prices”, which they expect to inject funds into their economy. Employees of the store now regularly plunder neighboring shops, sometimes even going to the opposite end of their malls in the name of thrift and the customer’s best interest.
Critics have expressed concern over the series of shootings that have occurred in Eagle locations nationwide, but the company encourages people to come to the “Ruler of the Free Malls” and browse without worry. Each purchase comes with a travel-size firearm, which is available in a variety of colours and styles.
Of course, any injuries sustained in the store are still covered by Canadian healthcare.
