A recent discovery by the Bri’ish scientist, Simon O’Well has led to some excitement–and utter confusion– in the scientific community earlier this week. He found that a new type of primate, ingenirous caffeinus, is able to survive for months with sleep deprivation thanks to its evolved second liver that is able to extract organic molecules and combine them with methane produced from the digestion of cheap Mexican food in order to produce caffeine. This helps them survive through the toughest and dankest times.
The primate’s uniqueness doesn’t stop there. Frequent use of tools has evolved all of its digits to be thumbs. For that reason, the species is able to quickly build dwellings with excellent craftsmanship. It is also thought that its beerculatory system is a natural adaptation that works as a defense mechanism against social awkwardness. It is regarded as socially unacceptable for these primates to have an BAC higher than 0.08. Often, they are seen walking and talking as an exclusive clan around a pit with extremely high BAC levels once every week. However, Prof. O’Well believes he can explain this phenomenon.
“We believe that these primates may have adapted to a lunar calendar due to lack of exposure to the sun during a regular year,” he stated. “We’ve observed quite a beautiful pattern in their BAC level. We would often see a peak once a week until early December, when the peaks would stop. Later, the peaks would go off the charts in late December and stay like that until the first week of January. We aren’t yet sure why this is the case, but we think it might be because of the slightly shorter lunar year and their ability to adapt to it.”
Scientists also believe that there once was a smaller, superior clan of these primates called ingenirus scientiuos. These primates had 6 digits on each hand instead of 5, which made them better in every possible way. They also lived 2.63 million years ago, around what would be considered Toronto now. Findings show that they aged faster than the rest of the primates and vanished after a meteorite crash. Given their obvious superiority, it is not yet known why they weren’t able to plan ahead and save themselves from this natural disaster. Perhaps they were only good in theory.
Another reason why these primates are such of high interest to the scientists is that it is believed they have devolved from their 2 legged erect stage to a slouching form. It is thought that the main reason behind this is the fact that their high focus, low energy state has caused them to stare at objects for long durations of time, which eventually bent their spines enough for them to slouch all the time. In some Extreme Case Evolutions, also known as ECEs, the neck has been seen to be fully horizontal.
Whether these primates can survive in the wilderness with the artsilius scientiscious is yet to be known. Although it is observed that these two species do not engage in acts of violence against each other, the male primates (which take up over 70% of their clan) may occasionally try to find ways of engagement with the females in artsilius scientiscious. We will update you as more males are rejected. Make sure to check out our story next month about the unexpectedly high rate of extinction among the artsilius scientiscious.
