GORDIUM, PHRYGIA – After years of silence, the Oracle of Phrygia, famous for prophesying that the person able to untangle the Gordian Knot was destined to rule Asia, has decided to finally speak out.

The elderly man, who said we could call him Tim, explained that the entire prophecy was an elaborate ruse that ended up backfiring.

“No, I didn’t have a vision of the person untangling the knot becoming the ruler of all of Asia,” said Tim. “If I’m being completely honest, when they tied up that old ox-cart, I just happened to be the only person in town with rope. I wanted to use the rope again, so I made up the prophecy about the person who could untangle the knot. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought someone would be able to untangle it if they tried really hard. Now I have a rope that’s still tangled on both ends and nothing else to tie my boat to the dock with thanks to that Macedonian asshole.”