March 1992

As many speculate on the impacts of the World Wide Web, a computer data storage tool accessible over continental distances, many industry experts are excited about the possibilities. This, however, does not appear to apply to the adult film sector, given the underwhelming reactions of pornography directors and producers when asked by the Toike Oike for their two cents. All of the sexperts who provided comments were very dubious of the Web’s utility, particularly with respect to the distribution and production of X-rated movies.

“I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” said Dannon Hernis, the successful producer behind recent feel-good BDSM adventure Comeward Bound. “As my work clearly demonstrates,” Hernis pontificated, scratching his narrow brown moustache while adjusting his thick translucent plastic-rimmed bifocals, “this industry was firmly erected and cemented in its distribution medium. The notion that some weird new computer network could have a significant effect on the way pornography is consumed is just plain silly.”

Hernis and others went on to say that they fear no sales impact from the World Wide Web, and that they are confident in their consumers continued choice of paying for VHS tapes. Willy Zinhuls, a well-known director currently at work on his new history-bending, sylvan-themed comedy Forest Hump, claims the main reason a computer inter-networking device will never change porn is because of limitations on the speed of consumption.

“These pictures I make, they need time to be appreciated,” Zinhuls articulated, scratching his narrow brown moustache while adjusting his thick translucent plastic-rimmed bifocals. “That kind of mass access to porn would require us to chug out films like nobody’s business. What does this look like? Some kind of shallow mass-produced masturbation sham? Please! This… is art.”

Pornography is not the only industry unconcerned about the effects of mass information transfer servers. Music executive Reika de Laebel scoffed and laughed at the mere thought. “Oh, come on,” she chuckled while scratching her narrow brown moustache and adjusting her thick translucent plastic-rimmed bifocals, “how could this internet thingy make it any harder to sell CDs?”