A July 2019 study by Dr. A. Nell Prober, an Assistant Professor in the Faculty of Medicine’s Department of Proctology, has uncovered a correlation between certain purple dyes and the condition virginitas perpetuus. In particular, ‘gentian violet,’ widely employed in engineering frosh events across Ontario, was found to increase the likelihood of contracting the terminal disorder by 87.32% (n=4.5, p < 0.93) according to Prober’s article published in the International Journal for the Study of Inhibited Coition.
Consequently, the Board of Directors of the University of Toronto Engineering Society, in concert with the Editorial Masthead of The Toike Oike, are seeking the public’s input in ideating a suitable replacement so that Engineering frosh events may continue without risk of infection. Preliminary suggestions are as follows:
- Tyrian purple: Associated with the Emperors of Byzantium, Tyrian purple is obtained via the secretion of several species of predatory sea snails in the family Muricidae. Previously prohibitivly expensive, modern techniques have allowed the dye to be obtained at reasonable costs.
- Red cabbage extract: The anthocyanins present in red-purple variants of Brassica oleracea’s Capitata Group are a favourite of high-school chemistry classrooms, due to their properties as rudimentary pH indicators. Cabbage is readily available in bulk and easily handled.
- Kool-Aid mix: A classic staple of North American childhood, the vividly chromatic properties of Kool-Aid powder are well documented. Additional benefits of the mixture are its powdered nature and ease of solubility.
- Grape milk from purple cows: Common to the fertile plains surrounding the Aleknagik Lake in south-west Alaska, the liqueresque extraction from the teat of the rare Alaskan periwinkle cattle rests as easily on the palate as it does on the skin.
- Liquefied Tinkywinkies: Although common misconception holds that the Tinky Winky of Teletubbies fame is a unique individual, the Athabascan Tinkywinky is, in fact, a reclusive species whose members can be found grazing near still water. Through a process approved by the Humane Society of Canada, Tinkywinky carcasses will gradually dissolve into a natural purple dye if submerged in a suspension of Laalaa guano after death.
- Thanos ejaculate: Although admittedly costing in excess of the Engineering Society budget, proponents of using this exquisitely velvety nectar argue that the quality of materials used by the University of Toronto in its initiation rituals must pair with the vaunted prestige of this institution.
Collective consensus in this matter is imperative. If you have a strong desire to see either your own, or one of the aforementioned, alternatives adopted by the Engineering Society, please make your opinion heard by tweet or DM on our Twitter and Facebook pages. Compelling arguments will be published in the next issue of The Toike Oike.