With the second Doctor Strange movie on the horizon and literally nothing else to do during the pandemic, I decided to convene the first annual Council of the Cumberbitches via Zoom to conclusively determine once and for all which of our Lord and Saviour Bartleby Cumbersome’s many roles is the best. It was a decade ago when Bandersnatch Cummerbund was first introduced to mainstream audiences as a modern (and sexy) Sherlock Holmes. Now, after 4 seasons of Sherlock and several hit movies, Candlestick has firmly cemented himself as a Hollywood A-Lister and simp-lord. But which of these roles is the most ravishing? Which of these characters is the most charismatic? Which of these parts is the most provocative? These are the questions I will leave to the Council.

With my cup of tea (Earl Grey) and my croissant (chocolate) both at the ideal temperature and the weather outside perfect for a nice day indoors (14˚C and raining), I sat down at my desk and started the virtual meeting. One by one, the Council members logged on, many of them wearing deerstalkers and other Crumpleshirt costumes. “Greetings all, and welcome to the first ever meeting of the Council of Cumberbitches.”

After exchanging the traditional British pleasantries for the first half hour, I directed the conversation to the question atop everyone’s mind: which Cumber-character is the sexiest? A chorus of voices started to answer and then stopped to apologize for speaking out of turn. When the apologies ceased and the debate continued, numerous names abounded. The answers ranged from Satan in Good Omens (look it up, it was him) to Ford (the “nice” slave-owner) from Twelve Years a Slave to Julian Assange in The Fifth Estate. But four names kept coming up as the apex of arousing acts. The true pinnacle of peak provocative performances. Sherlock Holmes, Khan Noonien Singh, Doctor Stephen Strange and Smaug the Dragon (before special effects were added).

After hours of deliberation, a tentative triumphant titillator was crowned. In a shocking twist, Smaug was determined the top tempter, though everyone agreed the mo-cap performance by Croquetball was the sexy part. “There’s just something about the way he crawls about in that skin-tight suit that just gets me going,” said lizardlover – the Toike has confirmed that this is her Tumblr username and not her actual name. “Plus, the power he conveys in that voice of his is a real turn-on.”

The Council meeting concluded approximately 6 hours later after the entire Zoom meeting watched the entire first season of Sherlock, climaxing several times throughout the viewing party.