Many are aware of the typical (boring) vampire, who is turned by a bite of a bat. However, there are many regional varieties of vampires endemic to Canada. These are far more interesting vampires with much higher salary potential*. Unfortunately, they come at the cost of getting bitten by some very different creatures in order to begin the transformation. Here is a breakdown of some regional vampire types!
*Salary potential may vary between species, as some are inherently better than others.
The Western Eng-Coli Vampires
Bitten by the humble Canadian goose, these vampires study occasionally and party harder. The transformation begins to show itself as a sensitivity to light and noise, which are thoroughly worsened on the mornings after a late night clubbing. Having no need to feed on blood, they feed on cryptocurrency, pining for the NFT that will make them feel as whole as they would have been if they had never been turned.
The McMasterbator
Be sure to check your vibrators are silicone, or you might find yourself bitten and turned into a McMasterbator. These vampires are known for their intense odor and complete lack of any cleanliness. They are, ironically, devoid of all joy, living off of scraps they find, moving from co-op to co-op undetected, as if they were never there…
Off-Brandpires
Based at a university that is unrelated to the retailer Temu, these vampires are bitten by Lafufus (fake labubus) (we knew that shit was biting people), these vampires are known to haunt the local Cineplex. Interestingly, they adopt several fae-like qualities, frequently changing names.
There is No Good Vampire Pun with York Vampires
Rumors state that these vampires are turned upon proving they can hold a fork. However, this urban legend has been thoroughly disproven. These vampires are actually born of innocent people that foolishly decide to eat low-hanging fruit. One of the tamer varieties, these small but mighty vampires tend to live relatively normal lives. The only symptom that poses any change is that these creatures often find themselves the recipients of “shout-outs.” Shout out York.
McGuilty Souls
The most damned beings on this list. These sorry folk are spawned when their ankles are bitten by a French “person.” They have the worst symptoms of all. They immediately develop weird accents, a lower drinking age, and strange, immense cravings. This species survives on a strict diet of bagels and smoked meat, and is known for its chilling mating call, “hon hon hon.”
