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Republican Senators Explain Their Opposition to Federal COVID Restrictions

A rare moment of candor came out of Washington DC today as Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced why the Republican Party is so opposed to any form of federal response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic.

“Well, you see, our position is that shutting down the economy will cost us more than letting hundreds of thousands of Americans die,” said McConnell. “And by us, I of course mean Senators with very important stock portfolios.”

Dozens of Republican Senators followed McConnell’s lead, booking interviews with any non reputable news organization they could find to echo McConnell’s sentiments.

“I completely agree with Leader McConnell, who has my full support,” said Senator Lindsey Graham in between desperate pleas for campaign funding on Hannity. “Unless, of course, President Trump has said anything to the contrary. Wait, what did President Trump have to say about this? Dammit Lindsey, always clear your public statements with the big man. You can cut that, right?”

Despite the fact that COVID has in singular days killed more Americans than were killed at Pearl Harbor or on September 11th, 2001, Republicans are still unwilling to impose any sort of restrictions to stop the spread of the deadly virus.

“Yes, we sent hundreds of thousands of American troops to their deaths after 2403 died in the attack on Pearl Harbor and yes, we permanently changed air travel and started a seemingly endless War on Terror after 2977 people were killed on 9/11,” said Senator Marco Rubio. “But COVID isn’t causing any property damage. The thousands of Americans dying everyday are mostly old and/or poor and will therefore not be missed. Philippians 2:4 – ‘let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of the economy.’”

John McCain’s corpse could not be reached for comment as it was found lying face down in his coffin.