What’s up Skuligans! We’re back with another listicle because they’re easy to write and they take up a lot of space. Today, we’re gonna rank the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World…by sexiness. Because everyone who writes for this paper, myself included, is a degenerate. And let’s be honest, last month’s issue was an awakening of sorts for you too. And, as much as you try, you can’t go back to who you once were. You yearn for this stuff now. It’s a part of you. Embrace that part of yourself! Let’s get into it, shall we?

7: The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus

Okay, this one is only on this list for completeness. It just feels weird to refer to a Temple dedicated to the Goddess of Chastity as sexy. And it would probably piss Artemis, a.k.a. the Goddess of the No-Fucking HUNT, off if we did and we don’t need that kind of heat, so our verdict is that this place is definitely NOT sexy.

6: The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus

Alright, I swear there are sexy Wonders of the Ancient World. We just haven’t gotten there yet. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus is nice looking and everything but it’s literally a tomb. Thinking about death just doesn’t get our motor going, not that there’s anything wrong with being turned on by death. Kink-shaming isn’t cool.

5: The Great Pyramid of Giza

Now, the Pyramid was also technically a tomb but we’re giving it the edge purely because it was once the tallest structure in the world. Sure, it looks a little chody but it’s still huge. It’s also the only Wonder still standing today, if stamina matters to you. Plus – and I know I said this for the Blue M&M last month but it’s true here too so deal with it – it’s RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE!

4: The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

Okay, we’re done with the unsexy death-related Wonders. The Gardens of Babylon were lush and vibrant. Seriously, it’s the only Wonder that’s not a statue or building. I guess it’s just quirky like that. What could be sexier? Oh, and did I mention that they were HUNG! ‘Nough said.

3: The Statue of Zeus at Olympia

I’m concerned that I’m putting the King of the Gods so low on this list but I’m just not feeling a spark. Yeah, the statue’s a big, buff dude but he’s sitting down and he’s covering the goods. I’m sorry but I’m going to reserve judgement until I know what I’m working with.

2: The Lighthouse of Alexandria

I have a confession to make. I thought the Library at Alexandria was one of the Wonders of the Ancient World when I pitched this list, and I was planning on putting it at Number 1 because knowledge is sexy. I mean, I wouldn’t turn down a Lighthouse of Alexandria shaped dildo but, you know, I’m gonna be thinking about the Library the whole time.

1: The Colossus of Rhodes

Was there any doubt about this one? Sure, the dude’s overcompensating a bit with the name “Colossus” but he’s confident enough to say “welcome, travellers, this is my dick”. And confidence is sexy!

There you have it folks. A definitive ranking of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been thinking about the Library at Alexandria for the past four hours and I think I should seek medical attention for my…you know.