Scientists are baffled at how well it works

 

The quintessential search for affection pervades nearly every aspect of today’s society. Everyone is looking for their one true love; the one person who could ever truly understand you completely; your confidante; your soulmate; your kindred spirit; your paramour; your ultimate heart’s desire. (And quick hookups are nice as well.)

 

This may explain the recent flood of young daters to the world of dating apps. However, according to our local Tinder expert, Hotty Bigboy, this trend is accompanied by a misunderstanding on the part of many people. “Other young people, you know, just don’t get it at first,” says Mr. Bigboy. “I’m slowly starting to see a turnaround in users who know how to keep their profiles nice and appealing, but there is an epidemic of new users who copy others without understanding the proper reasoning and tactics for building their Tinder or Christen Mingle or WHATEVER account.” To counteract this impending “epidemic”, the Toike Oike therefore presents – How To Create The Ultimate Unique Tinder Profile with Six Quick Tips.

 

Tip #1:

You musn’t let people forget you have an artistic side. Add a nice filter that makes you look like an old soul (sepia is a classic, just like you’re in the 1930s), and have a mysteriously cloaked expression on your face. You’re an artist in humanly body, and that means you have got to be the most avant-garde, the most meta, the most willing to challenge the system. And the best way to represent that challenge is to tilt the camera. Believe me, no self-respecting artist would ever take a straight selfie anymorethe greater the angle, the more artistic you’ll be seen, so don’t be afraid to go towards that 180, or even 360 degree rotationwith that type of selfie, you’ll be greater than Michelangelo.

 

Tip #2:

Get that shot where you’re staring off into the distance, pondering life’s deepest mysteries while really you’re getting angrier and angrier while waiting for the picture to be taken and eventually start shouting at your friend Dakota who means well but doesn’t really know how to handle a camera. On the plus side, all that shouting gave you a sexy blush in your cheeks.

 

Tip #3:

Our expert Hotty Bigboy suggests taking a picture of yourself with a cute pet, to show off your extraordinary ability to love. Never mind your serious allergies to cats, this is love you’re dealing with. In fact, every person needs pictures with at least five different animals, just to convince everyone that you have the capacity for sooooo much love. And make sure to keep 911 on speed-dial in case the cat scratches you. Getting hives is worth it for the ultimate pet selfie.

 

Tip #4:

Oh–my–god, how could you not have a shirtless picture yet?! You’ve got to show off those incredible biceps, those abs, that hot bod you’ve been saving up! However, make sure to pretend to cover them in an old T-shirt but take care that it doesn’t actually do anything to hide them. And ladies, I’m talking to you too. We need true gender equality around here, so go snap that shirtless selfie and prove that if a guy can show off his flaming chest, then any woman should be able to follow suit.

 

Tip #5:

A quick fun idea from Mr. Bigboy is to jump to your Snapchat filters and snap yourself with a halo of hearts over your head- a unique, never-before-used symbol expressing your angelicism combined with your loving thoughts. “I just thought of it right now,” Mr. Bigboy beamed. “I can’t believe no one has thought to put Snapchat-filtered photos on their Tinder profile before. Genius!”

 

Bonus tip #6:

Looking for a serious relationship? How about not posting a picture at all? That way you know your matches truly only like you for your personality, and no other reason whatsoever. Just be prepared to wait a really long with this strategy. Like a really really long time. Like very very very very very long. Like so so sooooo long that you may as well beg Elon Musk to allow you on his one-way space mission to Mars.