by Xxfreakybloggergirl123xX
It all started fairly normal: I was at the mall, hoping to pick up a copy of Haunting Adeline, since I had just finished the audiobook (review pending). I only intended for it to be a quick trip, but a group of masked men quickly descended from the skylight in the ceiling, glass shards flying everywhere. At first, I thought it was a terrorist attack, but then realized it was a robbery when the men started running toward the Swarovski. (I’m not sure why they needed to drop in from the ceiling to do that, but I admit, it did look cool.)
It couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes later when the Avengers arrived, with a member I didn’t recognize. I thought it was weird they were all here for a relatively low-level crime, but then they said something that made my heart drop: Ryan Gosling was in the mall. When they said that, everyone gasped; some people even started crying (out of concern for the man, no doubt). I mean, what if he got hurt? The Avengers reassured everyone that they were here to rescue Ryan Gosling before anything bad could happen to him, lest the filming of his latest movie—the most anticipated movie of the year—had to be put on hold. At once, everyone began to calm down.
The Avengers split up in order to expedite the process of finding the beloved Canadian actor. In my direction, near the food court, is where the member of The Avengers I didn’t recognize began to search. He was tall, rugged, and someone said he kinda looked like that one guy from Supernatural, but I didn’t really see the resemblance. When asked who he was by a reporter, he laughed, as if he thought she was joking. After clarifying she wasn’t, and after a long string of expletives from the strange man (at least four of which I think were slurs), the man introduced himself as the ‘hero’ known as Soldier Boy—“the greatest thing since the invention of the strap-on,” he said. (I was later informed that he was apparently really popular in the 80s.) Soldier Boy said he was called in to replace that “limp-dick cocksucker” Captain America, since he had a dentist appointment, and really, we were getting an upgrade by getting him instead. While saying that, he locked eyes with me for a second, then he started to walk in my direction.
Just to preface, I found Soldier Boy’s looks to be… above average, but he definitely wasn’t my type. After we locked eyes, the first thing this man said to me was something along the lines of “Are you a flashlight? Because you’d totally turn me on in the dark.” Not only did the pickup line not make any sense (wouldn’t he technically be the flashlight in this scenario?), but it also seemed a little backhanded. I tried to turn him down politely and explain why I wasn’t interested (minor spoilers for Haunting Adeline ahead): he didn’t seem like the type of guy to leave me ominous letters, track my movements, or threaten me with violence—also, worst of all, he was way too short (I only date OVER 6’7”). He replied by saying that he only ever read one time in his adulthood—it was a niche book called The Delta of Venus and he only even read it because it’s “what Clara would’ve wanted.” I have no idea what that meant.
I was just about to ask if he was messing with me when a man interrupted, yelling at Soldier Boy for not looking for Ryan Gosling. It was then, to everyone’s horror, that Soldier Boy revealed that he didn’t even know who Ryan Gosling was. After a brief explanation by the crowd nearby, he was then shown an image of the actor. This wretched man responded by saying Ryan Gosling looked like “a fugly version of Emilio Estevez,” who he apparently had a threesome with in 1985. Immediately, the crowd began booing him.
Instead of taking this as a hint to look for Ryan Gosling, Soldier Boy walked to the Burger King at the food court and ordered a Whopper. When the cashier rang up the total amount he had to pay, he refused, insisting that the price “shouldn’t be more than $1.70” and that the cashier was trying to “swindle” him. When asked where he got that price from, Soldier Boy said that’s how much it was in the 80s, to which the 14 year old cashier had to start explaining the concept of inflation. Soldier Boy responded by saying “inflation? You mean that furry fetish shit where people swell up?” Nobody had any idea how to respond to that.
During this altercation, Ryan Gosling emerged from one of the recycling bins in the cafeteria and began to make a run for it. People in the cafeteria immediately alerted Soldier Boy of his presence, but he didn’t even turn around to look at Ryan Gosling as he told the crowd to wait a minute (all the while trying to negotiate a better Whopper price). The crowd became frantic, but Soldier Boy didn’t budge.
Suddenly, the robbers returned. Black Widow was chasing them down into the cafeteria and, to evade her, the robbers began to turn around the corner by the escalator. What they and Black Widow didn’t see was that Ryan Gosling was also turning that very same corner. It all happened so fast—as the robbers and Ryan Gosling both turned the same corner at the same time, the two groups intersected, causing them both to crash into each other. When it was over, the robbers didn’t have any seriously bad injuries, but Ryan Gosling broke his leg. It wasn’t just a fracture or a minor break—you could literally see the white of his bone sticking out of his pants (some people even passed out and vomited at the sight of it). And where was Soldier Boy during all this? Still haggling for a better Whopper price.
Because of the severity of Ryan Gosling’s injury, the filming of his new movie had to be put on hold (and will probably be for a while). Now we’re looking at a year long delay in the release of The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar.
If you are reading this Soldier Boy, just know, from the bottom of my heart, I really do hate you.
