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Starbucks Goes Basic

Customers are crowding into Starbucks shops all around the city after the company announced its latest creation.

“We pride ourselves on catering to all demographics, but we have come to realize we still lack in showing appreciation towards our most dedicated customer–those who call themselves ‘basic.’ We thought for a while about what we can do and what kind of product we could create. It didn’t take long to dream up what we thought is the best match for everyone: a truly basic drink.”

The marketing team’s statement naturally caused quite a flurry of excitement. At this time, it appears 3 drinks are available, each sporting an elegant name in the best tradition of Starbucks: Aqua (pH 7) for those only entering the realm of the basic, Ammone (pH 11) and, for those who consider themselves the most basic, Naoh (pH 14).

“We’re truly excited about serving our customers this new drink. Plus it has no sugar in it at all. That’s definitely a huge health benefit, isn’t it?” one barista working at a downtown location mentioned. “I’d literally die if I could have this drink every day, wouldn’t you?”

However, this breakthrough in beverages hasn’t gone unchallenged. Tim Hortons has also entered the unusual beverage market, opting to counteract and neutralize the competition. With that in mind, they have announced a line of acidic drinks.

“We understand not everyone considers themselves a ‘basic’ individual, and we would like to cater to that market,” the marketing team stated at the press conference for this upcoming product. “It will be cheaper than the competition, and will serve to neutralize any other drinks from such stores. HA! Neutralize–get it?”

(The audience didn’t get it.)

When asked about the safety of such drinks and how they would affect the health of customers, neither Starbucks nor Tim Hortons could be reached for comment. We would personally, however, not recommend mixing the drinks, as your body may not be able to cope with the increase in salinity and/or temperature.

Will this new line of drinks from Starbucks really take off, or will the basic drink drop hard in the near future? Nobody knows for certain, but rumour has it hospitals and poison control stations all over the city are already undergoing a massive expansion effort, “just in case.”