“Your Honour, today I would like to present before you a lawsuit against theonion.com. It has recently come to the attention of the Toike editorial staff that theonion.com has been plagiarizing the TOIKE OIKE for the last several years. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of intellectual respect, it is also…uh, illegal? Anyways, this popular media outlet named after the lowliest vegetable has been ripping off the creative rights of the University of Toronto’s students. I was promptly hired to investigate this case. And by promptly, I mean I was walking my dog in Queen’s Park when a gang of slobby, sleep-deprived students jumped me.”

 …

“No, your Honour, I am not interested in pressing charges. The Toike staff have offered to reimburse me with this hand-drawn voucher to an ‘E.J. Pratt McDonalds.’”

…

“Yes, your Honour, I exercise regularly. But that is not the case! I’m already insecure about my body! UGH, SHUT UP! OR, I’ll sue you for defamation too!”

… 

“Sorry, your Honour, I’m a little stressed out right now. I digress, theonion.com is the real source of all my problems right now to be honest. As a representative for the TOIKE OIKE, I’d like to press charges on the basis that theonion.com has been stealing Toike intellectual property.”

…

“What do you mean we have to have evidence?! Can a lawyer not trust her gut instinct? Oh, I see, this is just another fat joke to you, your Honour. Well, I don’t care. Looks like we’ll be taking this to the Supreme Court!”

*Transcribed from recordings of actual court proceedings that were totally done illegally.