THE MIND OF LACHLAN MURDOCH, PROBABLY HELL EVENTUALLY – According to credible sources who are definitely not just the neighborhood dogs that talk to me on my morning power walks, the DEMONcrats and their co-conspirators in the “scientific community” discovered a cure for COVID-19 months ago and decided to hide it so they could kill hardworking Americans. 

“The number of republicans infected with covid keeps growing and growing while no prominent democrats have gotten it. Coincidence?” tweeted DeAnna Lorraine, a well-respected political commentator.  

It seems that the ultimate goal of the cure coverup cult was to infect Donald Trump so he would be forced to accept hundreds of thousands of dollars of socialized medicine or risk dying from this virus that he has taken seriously for the last 14 months. Of course, they didn’t count on Trump’s 13-inch penis (an inch for each figure in his net worth), which, according to Doctor Judy Mikovitz, allowed Trump’s body to increase blood flow to his lungs and beat the virus. 

Of course, many prominent Democrat politicians deny that a cure has been discovered. “There is a simple explanation for the drop in our numbers,” said New York Governor Andrew “Kill the Seniors” Cuomo in an interview with Chris “My Brother is Governor Andrew Cuomo” Cuomo on Conspiracy News Network. “We got hit early, we learned from our mistakes and we’re now listening to the science as we inch towards a vaccine. Quite frankly, if every state had taken this pandemic seriously in March, life would almost be back to normal by now.” Of course, this quote is damaging to the narrative I’m pushing so I’m not going to include it in my article. 

According to White House Wunderkid Jared Kushner, there really is no other explanation for the low positivity rates and decreasing new infection numbers in many Democratic states other than a secret cure. “Look, in March and April, the virus was only hitting Democratic states where all the people live but not where our couple million voters live. So, we were obviously fine with that. I mean, why else would we deliberately tell people to not wear masks for months? But now it’s hitting rural areas and red states harder than anywhere else. I just don’t understand what could have changed in that time. Other than a cure obviously.” 

Lead White House Democrat Investigator Rudy Giuliani was unavailable for comment on the secret cure due to a prior engagement with officials from Kazakhstan.