Over the last couple of hours, we at the Toike have been concerned by the dozens of reports claiming that the Titanic has hit an iceberg and is now sinking. Though the other newspapers will ridicule us for doing so and resent us for exposing their corruption, we believe that our readers should know that these reports are nothing more than fear-mongering designed by the ship’s crew to keep you under their thumb.

For tens of minutes, these doomsayers have been promising that the lower compartments are flooding rapidly and that we’ll all drown before morning. They think you’re not capable of critical thought – so they are telling you what to think. Ask yourself, do you personally know anyone who has drowned in these lower compartments? It’s obviously a hoax cooked up by the deep crew to damage the captain’s reputation. They’re probably down there enjoying the warmth that you paid for.

So, you’re probably wondering, how do we show these corrupt, unelected career crewmates that we won’t accept their tyranny. Well, all rational crewmates should storm the lower compartments in open defiance of the authoritarian “upper deck mandate” to show these bastards that they work for us.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to get on a half-full lifeboat and launch. Just in case.