Hunger Games? Well, hunger no more for your sweet and sexy battle royale winner is here… 

A recently circulating hot topic was the debate of whether the Kool-Aid man was actually the jug or the juice. Assuming (keyword being assuming) that you are a reasonable being, the only correct answer is both. Now thankfully, this discourse surrounding the infamous figure got me to question its morphology, and alas, I was introduced to the looming possibility that he is a psychopathic killing machine. 

I propose that the Kool-Aid man is no different than a pitcher plant of ridiculous proportions and copious amounts of sex appeal. For context, pitcher plants are wildly successful organisms that ditched moving parts for a more sedentary lifestyle – “hey google, define: plant.” They slowly digest bugs, birds, rats, as well as anything foolish enough to fall into their pretty little Sarlacc coochie.  

In the case of the Kool-Aid man, the rotting corpses of his foes would lay just beyond the glass and behind the smile.  He’s 11000 pounds, 6 feet tall, and is surrounded by 3.6 inches of glass. With his voluptuous silhouette, booming voice, thick arms, and powerful thighs, the suave vigilante is capable of breaking through any brick wall. Who would you cheer for at Suzanne Collins’ 75th annual game of death tag?

Perhaps the Kool-Aid man is to a pitcher plant what the Queen and Spadina McDonald’s is to the average Tiger – both can kill you but one is much more efficient than the other. 

To this I say, fuck Primrose, Peta and his Ace bakery paninis. “Raise three fingers and save the world.” Thanks, Katniss, you’re out of a job anyway since there’s world peace in your franchise and we all know that war-torn voice box of yours isn’t getting any record deals.  Are you coming to the tree? Naw, sorry something came up. 

Well, I raise the finger to you, Ms. Everdeen. You and Rue wouldn’t last a second against the hunky chunky adonis of creation. Try shooting arrows into a vase with unimaginable yield strength you piece of shit – the Kool-Aid man’s pitcher is getting low and he needs blood. 

Oh yeeaaahhh!