This isn’t an opinion piece, it’s facts.

Look, I know it can’t just be me. I know there’s people into MILFs here. I know some of you have spent just a little too much time making fanart of a Tumblr sexyman to be only ironically into them. And if you’re one of those people—don’t you see the vision?

Like, have you ever seen a beautiful butch and feel the immediate desire to ask them to put a cigarette out on you? Because, well, that’s the energy that the Pit gives off to me. (If you’re seeing this, my love, the offer stands, by the way. You could probably kill me and I’d be honoured to bleed out on your gorgeous brick tiles.)

The personification was metaphorical, of course—I’m not calling the Pit a lady. Its avant-garde adoption of neopronouns is just another reason I love it, brazen and bold for its time. Frankly, it gives me gender envy.

Now, what physical characteristics does the Pit even have for me to make these outrageous comparisons, you might ask. Let me gleefully elaborate:

Firstly, the far walls are of a rugged texture, like a big bushy beard to nuzzle against, or coarse curly hair to run your hands through. It’s a texture that grows on you, becomes something of a comfort, while also being a little wild, and along with the maroon, it really adds a rustic vibe. I wish I could wake up every day with my hands all over you, under the blankets of our King-sized bed. What was I saying? Right. It utterly clears the competition: all the bare, smooth, boring and white walls of modern interior architecture.

The seats are spacious and bolted to the floor, perfectly functional despite how many years they’ve been there, so you know the Pit is sturdy and reliable. The outlets along the walls actually work. You know you can call on it when you’re moving, and it’ll come with its Ford F-150 to help you lift your couches without breaking a sweat, and all it’ll ask for in return is to share a couple beers with you. You know it’s there for you in your times of need. You know it’ll hold you tight if you ever break down crying. I need to be hugged so bad.

It’s also got, ahem, thick and girthy pillars. I’m not elaborating on this one.

And lastly, it’s got SUDS, and it’s got paintings on its walls commemorating past years. It knows how to party, it has a creative streak, and it’s a bit of a gamer. It even plays Tetris, and I know it’s not a 4-wide player. It’s well-rounded, and it’s got a life unlike some of the engineers I know. I’m just saying, we could finish a full Baldur’s Gate 3 co-op run together. That’s how committed I am to you.

In summary, the Sandford Fleming Pit has top-tier looks and personality. There isn’t a thing it’s not perfect in, and it’s the most attractive being I’ve ever seen. Also the most attractive building I’ve ever seen. God, I want you to marry me.