Toronto, ON — The Toike is dead. Long live something else.

Sure, we won a newspaper bracket on a meme page, signalling that we are the alpha paper. But for how long? We’re just The Cannon with dick jokes. 

We’ve been superseded in virtual popularity by The Boundary, an ArtSci paper from Vic that doesn’t even print physical copies. Now, The Toike is virtually virtual. What do we have over them now? 

Huh, Parker? 

What makes us special? A sword? Five bucks says that The Boundary uses that sweet-sweet Vic tax evasion scheme money to get a nicer one, in Damascus steel, not the aluminum bullshit we have. 

And once they get a sword, then what? They already have virtual supremacy, what sets us apart anymore? 

The Toike is dead. Bury it alongside the Shall it Homogenise blender and The Last Mineral Engineer on the Quad. Fire off a 21 cannon salute. Pour one out at Suds for our non-binary paper child. 

Give it a proper send-off before it rides off majestically into the sunset like Lady Godiva or a shirtless Vladimir Putin