My darlingest reader, this time, I’ve decided to share with you my most recent endeavour – the most delightful time I had at Disney World! I went because of a strong recommendation from my travel-advisor/therapist as an attempt to expand my admittedly limited array of life experiences, and although I have never seen a Disney movie, my story ends happily despite the rough patches along the way.
To begin, I seemed to have gotten tripped up by the cues that people were sending. Case and point: Not too far from the haunted mansion, a delightful shopkeeper was selling a thick, mouth-watering substance that seemed so light and floaty and simply exquisite: cotton candy. No doubt seeing my hungry gaze rake their goods, they offered me some. Were they flirting with me? Gasp, did they want to have S-E-X with me? Perhaps… But I ran away before things progressed any further as I happen to be saving myself for someone less overtly venereal.
Beyond the confusion, problems arose (not the only things that rose that day) as everyone was pleasant and wanted to talk to me. I was having breakfast on my second day and a curious individual clothed in a rat suit scurried over to my table. I had bought this wonderful croissant and wanted to enjoy it in peace, but this rodent and his furry friend forcibly took a photo with me. I don’t like to take photos as they are reserved for narcissists and Paul Rudd only. This squirrel and his pet made it impossible for me to keep wolfing down on my meal and although I can appreciate the sentiment, I didn’t get to appreci-eat my food. A small blemish in my travels as this was not the magical journey that Trivago had promised me.
After breakfast, parts of my day included riding (a train), blowing off some (sentient car) steam, climbing a beautiful being (a tree), and also a military base. They called it Star Wars and it almost reminded me of Hamilton, Ontario. It was quasi-pleasant but, for all you intrepid readers, just a warning that there are phallic colorful rods everywhere – with kids – and some of whom were even holding them! Huzzah?!? I told a soldier clad in futuristic white armour to eliminate the cretins from the site immediately and the robocop gave me a pretty balloon instead. Oomph…
However, I found love!
A lady in a Walmart-Blue gown, pearls and clear slippers (giving me a delightful view of her feet!) called me her prince charming and I reasonably thought that we were courting. After our introduction, I had taken a seat on a nearby reciprocating teacup. Once I was freed, I returned to my princess, but she was gone. We had had a lovely conversation and it was evident that she was a foreigner – from Wales perhaps – but I had recalled from our discussion the mention of some ball. I was able to remember this distinct fact because of how scandalized I was at hearing such a dirty word being muttered from a sweet maiden’s plump lips.
So in search of my new temptress, I ended up looking inside the largest b- bal- argh, I can’t do it! The largest spherical building I could find – Epcot. As in manic episodes and apricots. I had exhausted every effort. Alas, dearest reader, this was not the love that I spoke of, as after a day of searching the Epcot, I never found my blueberry princess again.
Day turned into night and I decided to find shelter in a confused Mexican East Side Mario’s that featured a Chichen Itza and Gondola Ride. I wanted to rest in the pyramid to prepare for the day ahead of me but was interrupted by the most beautiful being with their name bannered across their chest: Seguridad.
This was my queen. This was love.
We didn’t speak the same language, but we understood each other perfectly. We went for a beautiful midnight stroll together – their arms in mine, standing so close, and sometimes too tight. The stars watched as we walked along cobblestone paths leading to the parking lot. With the rows of empty asphalt spaces as our ballroom, Seguridad and I tussled and tangoed as she handcuffed me to her car. We drove through the crisp humidity to the station and I was offered free room and board for the night. The next morning I was released, just in time for my flight home. I never reconvened with my enchantress, but the night was perfect enough. Maybe it was a magical place after all.