Let me begin by asking just what the fuck is wrong with you. Yes, you. Why are you still reading this shit? By now you’ve probably already spotted the four dozen typos and grammatical errors our editor has added to the articles. You probably stopped laughing after a few sentences in, or maybe you just skimmed the headlines. Nobody’s judging you for that; I mean, we do it too, and we have to write the fucking things ourselves. But you’re still here, even after seeing the center spread, even after reading the childish scribbles we call the “comics” section, you’re still reading this rag instead of burning it for warmth.

You know, it takes a surprising amount of effort to write for the Toike. Very few people appreciate how difficult it is to get so sloshed on cheap rum that we won’t remember what we wrote in the morning. It’s the only way we can keep our consciences clean. Every time a new issue comes out we play Russian Roulette with the new content, trying to pick the articles we think are ours. Why do you guys think we write using pseudonyms? It allows us the delusion of thinking that maybe, just maybe, it was us who wrote that one passable article. What, you thought Kanye Lingis actually writes satire for UofT students?

I’m just completely shocked that you’re even reading THIS article, when clearly it’s just another rambling monologue about the state of the Toike. I bet you read the editorials too, you freak. I don’t even know where we’re going to go from here. It should have been clear years ago that we’ve been trying to drive this paper into the ground. I mean, come on, we actually encourage you to go around assaulting strangers with indelible ink to the face! We’re actively promoting the kind of behaviour that will get you a criminal record and a restraining order, and that doesn’t sound like a “fuck off” to you?!

Everyone but you only uses us to prop doors open in Sanford Fleming on weekends or during exams. We’d be printing it blank if we could, but the faculty insists that as long as we’ve even got one monthly reader, we’ve got to continue. That’s on you, man. You’re literally our only reader, and you’re killing us. Most of us are engineers! You think we have time to do Calculus problem sets AND write this drivel? Our GPAs are already in the garbage, and god knows employers don’t give two shits about extracurriculars like this.

We print the pages with shitty ink so it stains your fingers, we put all the new issues strategically close to recycling bins, we begin each issue with a personal message from a self-styled goat-blower, and yet you’re still reading the goddamn Toike. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I swear, the next issue is going to be written in fucking wingdings. I’m out.