The United States has voted, and the Toike Oike’s team of pollsters, data scientists, witch doctors, and meth addicts have crunched the numbers. By our final calculations, we are proud to project that former Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been elected President of the United States.

Although undoubtedly a close race, our methodology speaks for itself. By taking a rigorous sample (n = 5) of eligible voters in proximity to the Sandford Fleming Building, surveying indicated that 74% of respondents believed that Joe Biden would be the next US President. Cognisant of the key role that Southern voters played this year, an accompanying sample (n = 3) of eligible voters in the Wallberg Building were also polled, with 82% of these respondents having similar expectations.

Although respondents were asked to rank their certainty of the outcome quantitatively — on a scale ranging from “as certain as I was that Al Gore would win” to “as certain as I was that Hillary would win until she didn’t” — the response form included a qualitative write-in section to allow respondents to provide further explanation of their views. Although responses varied, contextual comments supporting a Biden win included: “wasn’t the election already called last week?” and “you guys rally [sic] need to speed up your publishing process.”

Having successfully called nearly every single election since 1912 — save for the great Coolidge upset of 1924 —the Toike Oike is proud to continue its tradition of predictive excellence with this most recent vote. “We’ve refined our process for so long that it’s fool-proof,” said Nate Gold, Toike High Numeromancer, shortly after publishing the projection. “Although the exact method is proprietary and confidential, I can share that its key pillars are proper selection of random sample strata, reducing sample variance, and waiting until after one candidate has already won to make a projection.”