Smart Multitasking for the 21st Centuary
Sex is a big industry. Each year, billions of dollars are spent on various paraphernalia, from birth control to BDSM. But since we’re already spending so much on getting it on, why should we have to buy new kitchen gadgets too? Save yourself a trip to Canadian Tire and go straight to your bedroom drawer for all the culinary equipment you’ll ever need.
1) Vibrator – Egg Beater
Omelettes can be a pain to make the old-fashioned way, beating them by hand. Why not put your Hitachi to good use after an intense romp in the bedroom to get some protein (gotta build those crotch muscles somehow!) and beat some eggs. With light, fluffy eggs, your taste buds will surely find breakfast to be very, very stimulating. You can also use it to beat all manner of batters, such as pancake batter, waffle batter and baby batter.
2) Condoms: Individually Wrapped Pickle Snacks
Do you ever go out and feel the sudden craving for a pickle, but are saddened to remember that you left all of yours in a jar at home? This is the innovation for you! Use anything from a regular to a magnum condom depending on the size of your pickle, and keep it on hand for whenever you want a burst of salty flavour in your mouth.
3) Ball Gag: Turkey Plug
Tired of the stuffing falling out of your turkey at Thanksgiving before it gets to the table? Take your sub’s ball gag (replace it with some duct tape so that they don’t get out of line) and use it to seal the cavity in your bird before serving so that none of the delicious stuffing or juices leak out. Also great for roast suckling pigs instead of the traditional apple-in-the-mouth! This also helps make a great statement piece for a family dinner to be remembered.
4) Flavoured Lubricant – Homemade Frappucinos!
Instead of going out to Starbucks, make good use of your strawberry, vanilla, or bacon flavoured lube to customize your beverages in the comfort of your own home. Just blend coffee, ice, the creamy white substance of your choice, and a delicious lube in a blender and it’s ready to serve! As an added bonus, using lube will make your drink low-carb and help to clear out your digestive system better than fibre supplements ever could!
5) Butt Plug: Lemon Juicer
It turns out butt plugs are just the thing to juice lemons with. Shove it into the puckered, starshaped hole in the middle of your lemon half and ram it in there; the bigger the better! Soon the sticky, sweet juices will be flowing down your fingers. Nothing is quite as refreshing! Life can be a pain in the ass, but here’s where the pain of lemons makes the pleasure of lemonade.
