- I cried out in horror as I cut into her chest with a kitchen knife and my worst fear was confirmed. My wife is cake.
- Husband turned the kids into animatronics for his pizza parlour. Do I really need a second sentence?
- Grabbing at the two men who were taking my wife and kids, I screamed, “Please, take me instead!” They replied, “Sorry, sir, women and children only,” as they loaded up the last lifeboat on the ship.
- My wife once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
- Her dad. WAY Hotter.
- I hate the meatworm. My wife is the meatworm.
- I’m going to need to divorce my husband if he can’t make his business successful. At least I can rest peacefully knowing he finally made a copper sale today in ancient Babylon, and the word of his excellent business is sure to spread!
- “Congratulations, It’s a healthy baby Jester!” declared the doctor. I began miming at my mime wife that she had been unfaithful until she slammed the invisible door, so I slipped the invisible divorce papers underneath.
- My wife is a whore! Nine months pregnant with what I THOUGHT was my baby only for this weird “xenomorph” monster to burst out of her stomach.
- I really want to make kinky love to my husband tonight. He said he’ll think about it after he finishes another box of the new bland Kellogg’s breakfast cereal.
- My wife has been in such a good mood lately! I’m so glad she’s been having fun at her buddy Jay Gatsby’s extravagant parties.
- “It appears you have discovered an entirely new species of termite.” As the doctor showed me the X-Rays, I looked at the small bugs devouring my bones and realized their faces were the spitting image of my wife.
- Oops! I married Kanye.
- My husband could never forgive me for selling our daughter to One Direction. He was a hardcore Belieber
- My wife sure loves her electric toothbrush. I hear it buzzing away for hours at night!
- I felt bad cheating, but that woman in the newspaper seemed so perfect – we both like Pina Coladas! Wait, is that my wife?
- He asked me to lose weight. So I divorced him and became 240 pounds lighter.
- He collected porcelain dolls. They were, like, really weird.
- I told her feeding the kids one day blinding stew was wrong. I should have been suspicious when she announced that night’s dinner as ‘regular stew’.
- I should have known better than marrying a guy with a J name. But Jeff the Killer was just so charming!
- He liked a girl’s bikini photos. He also knew who Sydney Sweeney was.
- She cut off my penar. Ow.
- I fucking hate my wife. Just really fucking hate her.
- He just kept putting kick me signs on my back. Daily for, like, years, even when we all told him it wasn’t funny.
