The following document transcribes the contents of a tape found by The Toike’s own intrepid researchers, concerning the acquisition of 21st Century Fox on March 19th, 2019. The move sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, as the merger made Disney well on it’s way to become a media mega-monopoly.
Upon reviewing the contents of the tape, many of our researchers experienced a sudden urge to subscribe to Disney+ and stream many an hour of nostalgic Disney shows. Reader, proceed at your own (and your wallet’s) risk.
[Tape Recorder Clicks On]
[Sounds of a rickety log cabin in the countryside can be heard. The static from a radio trying to tune itself and the rustling of many papers can be heard]
[An approximation of a posh British accent intones ]
The Investigator: Test… Test… Test… Right. Date of recording, March 17th, 2019.
You don’t need to know my name. All you need to know is that I used to work for Fox News. While I was working there, I uncovered something so truly disturbing that I had to leave my position there, and devote myself to ridding the world of their insidious presence. As of recording this, I am currently hiding in a location that I will not reveal in case this falls into the wrong hands… in case it falls into their hands…
[A pause punctuated by a shuddering breath]
I have decided to commit all my findings to this tape – not a phone because that’s how they’ll get me – and send it out to the world. Because you need to know what’s coming for you. You need to uncover the curtain, and see the puppet master that has been slowly pulling the strings from the shadows. This… hive of individuals that slowly insinuate themselves into the largest of corporations – buying out bits of it, hollowing it out, till in the end all that’s left is really them.
I’ve seen people call them the Illuminati, or the Freemasons.
All those people are, in my humble opinion, deluded idiots.
There is no Illuminati. Or any Scientologists. Or any aliens. Seriously, how stupid can people be? How can they manufacture such two-dimensional villains, when that thing exists? How can they ignore their pervasive presence, a dangerous ivy weakening the structure of our society so they may slip their sweet poison of sub-par remakes, repetitive plotlines, and performative woke-ness…
[A hand slams a table forcefully, as if to make a point]
[A small squeak of pain]
[A grunt, as if to make up for the earlier squeak]
Sorry about that. I just… we all loved Disney you know? Who didn’t sit around watching Wizards of Waverly Place? Or Zack and Cody? Or Hannah Montana… I mean. the list goes on. But that was the beginning of it all really. The multiple feature length films. The crossovers. The merchandising. They were test-driving their little media empire without us even guessing.
The signs were all there, but we were all too busy worrying about the “Capitalist Deep State” to really truly see it.
[Unintelligible music seems to be playing in the background now]
I suppose the moment I was first radicalised was when my sister’s children wouldn’t stop watching Frozen, back in 2013. At first it was an innocent kind of distrust, the kind where you hope the hype dies down after a few months, so we could get back to waiting for the next movie sensation from some other giant media house. Or Nolan or something
And then they got Paramount. And Lucasfilms. Hell, they bought Marvel and installed their own “President” – the Cold War has seen more subtle action than this for Pete’s sake! And Sony barely missed the devious webs being slung in their direction. So I decided to research what Disney owns. A terrifying picture resolved itself – the horrors of which I will never be able to truly erase from my consciousness.
Their holdings range from construction companies, to actual properties, to almost all significant news, information, and entertainment channels around the world. National Geographic, Sky International, ABC, Star, Hulu, and now Fox… and need I mention the irony of them owning the History Channel? Everything that you have ever known or loved, or has been even remotely important in your life – they were behind it all. And they won’t stop there.
[A faint static is heard, as the music grows louder. The words “Meeska, Mouska, Mickeeeey Mouse” can be heard repeating over and over like an eldritch chant]
Point is that the world needs to know. The House of Mouse, it’s coming for Fox, I know it. Someone needs to stand up to them, someone needs to stop them. Or is this where we’re headed to? A future filled with more derivative sequels, grating remakes, and pricey streaming services? A world who’s zeitgeist will be dictated by our watchful, morally-ambiguous, opportunistic rodent overlord? I don’t have all the answers, but I sure as hell — wait, are you hearing that?
[Creaking as the Investigator gets out of their chair to investigate. The chanting gets louder as the static on the tape recorder builds]
Hello? Oh God… oh no…
Mickey:“̷H̶e̷y̴ ̷e̷v̷e̷r̵y̵b̴o̵d̵y̷!̵ ̶I̷t̸’̶s̸ ̸m̶e̴ ̸M̸i̸c̷k̸e̷y̴ ̴M̷o̷u̵s̵e̷!̵ ̴S̸a̵y̶,̵ ̴y̸o̴u̴ ̷w̵a̵n̸t̷ ̷t̴o̶ ̶c̸o̶m̵e̴ ̸i̶n̴s̸i̷d̵e̵ ̷m̶y̴ ̷c̶l̶u̷b̵ ̸h̷o̴u̷s̴e̴?̷”̶ “
[The investigator screams, as the sound of crashing windows and splintering wood can be heard. Sounds of scuffling ensue, as The Investigator is presumably bound, gagged, and hauled away]
Mickey: S̶a̷y̸ ̶i̷t̴ ̴w̶i̷t̶h̵ ̸m̶e̵…̸ ̸M̶e̴e̶s̶k̴a̵…̵.̶ ̸M̷o̸u̶s̴k̵a̶…̷ ̶M̶ ̵I̸ ̴c̶ ̸k̷ ̶e̷ ̸y̵ ̵…
[Tape clicks off]