Hey kids! Feeling hungry? Can’t afford food? Chances are you’ve answered yes to both questions. If you’re like me, then your presence is no longer welcome at Bulk Barn. So where, you ask, should we snack? The answer friends is in plain sight, and by plain sight I mean that dumpster. Yep, the one over there. To your left. There ya go! 

Torontonian dumpsters are rich culinary experiences, I promise! The only recurring issue I have had so far would be fighting off the city’s resident trash pandas. You know the ones that are black and grey? Turns out they’re not so cute. Like your ex, they take all the good food and leave. This has led me to an important discovery. Buried deep beneath rotting banana peels and greasy cardboard, is the perfect snack. 

Climbing out with a squirming rat in hand, I have triumphantly saved money. Finally, I can pay for my tuition AND enjoy barbecue. Furthermore, rodents are very nutritious, and although it may sound disgusting, eating rats has been scientifically proven to increase¹ stomach acid and gag reflex. 

Unfortunately, there is no vegan option whilst dumpster-diving. So, as an advocate for ‘freeganism’ I implore you, my fellow students, to reconsider your lifestyle choices, and to join me in rodent control and saving money! 

¹Don’t quote me on this.