The American government will regulate the production and sale of commercial sex toys for the first time beginning later this year. The decision was made in the wake of a series of incidents with a line of ornamental plugs in January, and is expected to transform the tawdry trinket industry as we know it.
The regulatory body chosen belongs to a 43-year-old man named Joel Green. Green, whose impressive resume is utterly unfit for publishing in a well-meaning newspaper, is to be the standard by which all bawdy baubles are to be measured. He sat down for an interview with the Toike Oike earlier this week.
“It’s was a real honour to be selected,” Green confided. “I’ve really trained for this all of my adult life, but I never expected it to be more than a hobby. For someone in my area, there are fewer openings than you have fingers. You discover quickly just how swollen the entrants are for positions like this one.”
Green intends to stick to a stiff regimen in order to deal with the endless load that comes with his job. He offered to demonstrate the broad strokes of it, but our reporter conducting the interview declined.
“It’s the first time anyone will be doing this,” said Green, “and I don’t expect to get it right away. There might be some blood and some tears the first time, but I’m going to take it slow and grind my way through.”
Not everyone is as eager for this change as Joel Green. Industry leaders have expressed concerns that a regulatory body may stifle experimentation. But Green insists that he’s no wet blanket, although he does have a lot of wet blankets and considers himself something of an expert.
“There’s a certain mystique to our products,” said concerned BigLube representative Eric Jerichoff. “A certain sense of danger that comes with re-soldering the wires on your vibrator, or stuffing your partner full of two-for-a-dollar dildos, that you really can’t get anywhere else. If we start regulating sex toys, sooner or later you may as well find another person to do your crotch business with. Plastic genitalia is all that separates us from the animals.”
Apart for Green, adult toy consumers are not expected to see the effects of this regulation for at least a year, but many industry analysts are eager for more consistent standards by which new customers can get fucked without getting fucked.
