TORONTO, ON – Shocking reports out of the UTSU are indicating that the student population has stopped caring about whatever it is they do.

“I mean, yeah, last year we had a referendum, asking students if they would accept a $25 tuition hike to fund pizz-… textbooks,” said an unnamed member of the UTSU’s Finance Committee. “The thinking behind it was that those sheeple would just blindly click ‘yes’ and give us their money.”

The UTSU’s Annual Satisfaction Poll was conducted with the intention to gauge student opinion on the work performed by their student union over the course of the calendar year. Consisting of 43 questions such as “did you vote” and “are you still reading this help us we’re dead inside,” the survey offered the same 7 answers for every question, ranging from “heck ya” to “heck nah” with gender-neutral options such as “[gender-neutral] heck ya.” News of the survey was relayed to the student body as the postscript in a 1500-word email outlining the UTSU’s new antiplastic-water-bottle campaign.

A 0.23% response rate among undergraduate students was the highest turnout of all 2018 polls issued by the UTSU, and the results were absolutely staggering. 100% of those surveyed responded “i dunno” for all the questions answered.

A Board of Director reached out,“The conclusion that we reached was that the student body just doesn’t know.”