TORONTO, CANADA – At 4:20AM last Tuesday, a resident Toike internet sleuth opened a letter containing an anonymous plea for help:

Dear Sex-Starved Toike Staff,

It all started as I was leaving Bahen, high on superiority (I’m an engsci) and excited to suck up to (off) a prof for a 0.1% increase on my exam. But then I saw him – tall, pale and devastatingly handsome – at the blood services booth. It pains me to admit it now, but I was absolutely entranced. I even skipped office hours so I could hear him talk to me about how universally desirable my blood was.

By dusk, we were fucking on a beloved sofa in the ECE common room. Choking, slapping, scratching – he was so strong and powerful. But then he bit me. Two pricks, eerily precise, on the left side of my neck. And he started sucking. Hard. Once he seemed satisfied, he vanished into the darkness of the night. It was only then that it truly dawned on me: I had just been fucked by a vampire. 

PLEASE, dearest Toike staff, I need to find him. I have a burning desire to give him a little taste of the hell he came from. He’s just like every other straight guy out there. They feed, then flee. He didn’t even leave an apology for giving me those ugly bite marks on my neck (how will I explain that one to my mom?). I guess even the immortals haven’t learned the meaning of consent. Go figure.  

– Betrayed Toike Reader

P.S. Do you possibly know where I can anonymously purchase a silver dagger? 

After spending hours “watching” security footage of the ECE common room from that night, Skule archivist Mast R. Bator positively identified the mystery man as Toronto’s ‘Eternally Damned, Wolf Adversary & Red Drinker,’ Edward. 

First turned in the 1800s, Edward is the founder and current head of the mystic Vampire First party, best known for their long standing efforts to codify the vampire’s right to feed on human blood. Excerpts from shadow-realm newspaper The Garlic reveal that Vampire First members have been infiltrating known blood drives across the city as a way to gain access to more human blood, which they hope will be enough to keep them going until the next civil war on North American soil. 

Unfortunately, messages from a leaked Bat-Signal group chat (our very own EIC was accidentally added) reveal that many party members, including Edward, have begun using their positions as blood drive recruiters to not only access bagged, donated blood but to quite literally ‘hit it, bit it, and quit it.’ Edward himself admitted to the group that “nothing tastes better than fresh, engineer blood,” and praised Bahen for the “sheer quantity of virgin engineers, especially during midterm season.”

Comments from vampire lurkers on r/hotsucks support this claim. “Virgin engineers are the best sucks by FAR”, u/bloodsucker69 writes. “They’re desperate for human touch, they’re gluttons for punishment, and their exam-induced sweats, spurred on by a lack of proper hygiene, give their blood a salty aftertaste.” 

Remark: Hooking up on campus cannot be condoned by Toike Staff though we acknowledge that Edward was exceptionally handsome – if only real engineers were that fucking hot! Maybe then would an excursion on a common room sofa be amenable…