Dear Fellow Virgins,
I’ve had it up to here with your criticism. I’m sick of all these wannabe love experts telling ME that my advice is ridiculous, and months before VALENTINE’S DAY 2020, too! You think you can do a better job than the Cupid of Naivety? I’ve been working my butt off, night in and night out…and in and out and in and out–(ahem, sorry, caught some deja vu there). Well, I think it’s about time we flip the roles. This time I do the asking, and you’ll do the doing. (I mean the “normal” doing, not the “doing” doing, like what I mean is if you’re doing someone a favouuuuuuuuuuur, not if you’re doing someone. And no doodoo either.)
I knew it was love at first sight. It was the Cannonball 1T9, and I was arguing with the bartender about what the definition of an open bar is, and threatening to sue to get me another drink when the love of my life literally passed me by. What dazzling colours, it was as if every spotlight was located in one spot, and I was the only one to witness it. An incredible aura of heat rolled off in waves, and millions of stars were gleaming and floating about them–(although upon self-reflection, it could have been the dizziness from the alcohol). I was about to approach, when I, uh, unfortunately had to run to the toilet to vomit. Hey, don’t you judge me through the newsprint – being the only person at a dance without a date and no-limit drinking can lead to some… bad decisions.
Well, I wiped the barf on my sleeve and ran back as fast as I could, but that heavenly figure was gone, without a trace. I’ve been searching and searching through every canteen and campus bar, but still nothing (and I’ve been kicked out of all of them too– disgraceful how a bartender isn’t willing to provide free drinks after hearing the woeful story of a heart-broken virgin). Anyway, that’s why I need your help.
I’ve created a wanted poster below, with the best police sketch identification around. If you see this person, please report your sighting by sending a drawing of the individual to toikessw@gmail.com, to allow me to confirm that this is indeed the same person. Believe me, my editors will definitely not get tired of receiving these love notifications. A good tip: If you see stars around someone, that’s almost definitely my love. (Or you might just be incredibly drunk, in which case you should call for a ride home immediately).
