The following is from the desk of Dick Hunter, Private Eye:

You may be wondering where the regular monthly VSC article is located in this newspaper- I’ve personally searched up and down every page, seeking every cavorteous clue as to the “Virgin” Sex Columnist’s whereabouts, to no avail. Perhaps I’ve scared the VSC off with my hunting (they don’t call me Dick Hunter for nothing), but I hereby leave this warning: when I’m on the prowl, nothing can get in the way between me and the object of my hankering.

Why am I writing this piece, when I usually prefer to work in the shadows, under the bed, or even on the bed occasionally? Well, in short, I’ve been approached with rumors of a nasty, dirty, horrifying plot behind the desk of one very mature Toike writer, who is usually here acting up a storm while entertaining, consoling, and generally failing to seduce any of the (mostly non-existent) devoted immature readers of this column, including myself, an admittedly devoted fan of the rag. 

The facts are as follows: On the previous Wednesday of the ninth month of 2020, I received a note along with the usual arrival of this very newspaper. It was from the ex-date who left me on the curb after dinner, which I promptly threw away. The following day, a different note arrived on pink paper. It was un-signed besides a lipsticked kiss, and put forth to me this important question regarding last month’s article- exactly to whom is this VSC writing trashy, romantic, dirty cannibalistic letters, that would merit so much of the VSC’s affection? (As to the sender, my suspicion is that an intern on the inside had finally given into the guilt and shame of lying to the public about the private status of one of the Toike’s least influential writers, and thus decided to anonymously come forth with their accusation.)

I’ve stayed up days and nights pondering this message. What could it mean?! Could it really be true that someone who’s first name is literally Virgin could have been granted entry to the club of lovemaking douchebags? Upon investigating past articles, I find an incredible amount of intimate knowledge of the deed that would seem to belie any claim of innocence, at least according to what my friends tell me after they’ve read them over.

I am personally horrified at what the evidence is pointing to- after all, getting some side-action goes against the very core of being a Sex Columnist! How is one supposed to truthfully inform the virgin public of the intimacies of hitting the cha-cha without maintaining their privileged position of immaturity?

To this end, I’ve been stalking the VSC for the past two weeks, looking for any clue as to the true status of this devilish fiend. They still haven’t left their house (the unwillingness to face me likely stemming from the guilt of their duplicitous behavior), so unfortunately this strategy has not yet yielded results. 

I therefore beg the public to come forward with any reports of this jiving journalist cheating on his readers with some floozy, two-faced, handsome non-virgin, by emailing toike@skule.ca. We need every witness we can get to bring this dastard down.