Your Mom’s Basement, 2021 – Holy FUCK that was the most boring Annual General Meeting (AGM) I’ve ever attended. What’s that? I have to be professional and not use the first-person narrative? But the Cannon Newspaper does it all the time… Oh. Okay. In any case – congratulations officers, you deserve a ✨gold✨medal✨ for displaying some minimum level of competence and turning the AGM back into the mildly awkward and un-feisty puddle of formalities it’s supposed to be!
Now, as the Engineering Society treasures all things diversity and inclusion, my editor has informed me that some context is required for the 2T5’s that wouldn’t get it – so here goes. Back in the day, (circa 2020), AGMs were a SPECTACLE. This meant all of engineering emerged from their dark, moldy gremlin caves to get a morsel of social interaction during lockdown – I’ve literally never seen this many students attend a meeting without being bribed by free food, or seen people be so vehemently upset about business cards and typos. This also meant that Ben Morehead didn’t have to lure us with his comedic emails that gave us whiplash in contrast with our beloved (?) VP Communication, Brohath Amrithraj; people actually went because, well, they wanted to. Wild. When this Cannon (Toike) reporter prodded an eager individual via Zoom private messages about why they had attended a painstakingly long meeting, they replied simply with “Fuck Cirque du Soleil, I got to watch a 9-hour circus act for free.” Truly, the AGMs of the past with 63% recall rates and revotes and all that jazz were delightful clown fiestas to behold.
This AGM? A recent poll conducted by our most scholarly scholars yielded a public rating of 5.8/10, since it was – as taken directly from viewers – “as flavourful as Wonder Bread, maybe a little extra for the wholesome Halloween pizzazz we got,” and “I was looking forward to seeing Karman’s bush, but was disappointed.”
While the majority of engineering students displayed a rather grateful outlook at the prospect that they would not have to a) attempt to indict a President or b)attempt to indict a VPComm, not every Skuligan rejoiced in the AGM returning to its former boring bureaucratic bullshit glory. A small group of individuals rated this outcome a 0.7/10, not only missing out on a 0.69 joke, but also utterly dragging down the average. Upon closer inspection of this group, both of these observations were justified; these individuals were all part of the Cannon Newspaper’s negligible staff of one(1).
As we were seeking the truth, the Cannon’s Editor-in-Chief was interviewed, and he muttered out a crazed and mildly panicked flurry of words – which, though very on brand, had to be filtered and dissected to be understandable (also on brand), eventually yielding the following: “No VP Comm Recalled? What will I write about now? “The Dos and Don’ts of in-person testing”? Goddamnit, I should have sabotaged Brohath more with delayed issues. I thought not updating the website for a year would be enough. ” It is important to note that a 3rd party program was used to demystify his garbled speech, and the Cannon Toike Oike is not liable for any misquotations which may have ensued.
As proud supporters of both Brohath and The Cannon Newspaper as a concept, we implore you to create more controversial chaos for them to be able to report on. Got an inept Engineering Accounting professor? Want to recall Brohath for making us add disclaimers on everything? Have you seen a Hard Hat Cafe(HHC) Manager choosing Veda over HHC at lunch? Or, hey EngSoc, what do we think about raising the PEY fee to $4500?
Email firstname.lastname@example.org! Wait, no, it’s the other Cannon. Oops.