Alright, I know Conspiracy Toike was last month but something weird has been happening since then and I need you guys to help me unravel the mystery. For weeks, the entire Toike staff has been obsessively talking about Kronk and I don’t know why.

Now, based on the fact that the Toike is a reputable newspaper delivering hard-hitting journalism to trillions across the assorted galaxies we deliver to, I have deduced that this Kronk person is none other than world-renowned broadcast journalist and anchorman Walter Cronkite. Obviously, it’s not unreasonable for staff to admire the man. But obsess over him? I’m skeptical. I mean, all this talk of Kronk “helping them pitch their tents” and wanting him to “tear them a new asshole” is peculiar, right?

I mean, I’m as big a fan of Cronkite’s as any. His composure in November of 1963 while reporting on the assassination of John F. Kennedy was and is legendary. The way he took his glasses off and put them back on again while announcing that Kennedy had died was surely what inspired David Caruso’s signature move on CSI: Miami.

And you’ve gotta love a man whose reporting on the Vietnam War precipitated the end of Lyndon “Big Dick Energy” Johnson’s Presidency and whose 4-minute report on a popular British rock band helped launch the fucking Beattles to the US. Destroy my credibility with middle America, you well-dressed Monopoly man. Introduce arguably the greatest rock band of all time to the Western world, you sentient moral compass.

Fuck! You know what? I get it. If Kronk were still alive, I’d probably wanna fuck him too. And that’s the way it is.