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Dysentery

Symptoms: Disembowelment via the anus.

Description: You can’t miss this ruthless pest of an ailment! If you’ve been pioneering west recently, you might find dysentery making a downright explosive appearance.

Treatment: This infamous sickness is easily combatted with a big swig of whiskey, biting on wood, and trying not to scream. Don’t worry, you won’t miss that quarrelsome leg of yours.

Bruised honour

Symptoms: A fresh pistol-shot wound, an understanding that this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

Description: This notorious injury is often found in 50% of gun-wielding chaps after: 1) marking ten paces, 2) dropping a handkerchief, 3) firing at will.

Treatment: This cannot be cured, but it can be alleviated by downing whiskey neat (note: you should drink until you’ve numbed the pain, and then some).

There’s a snake in my boot!

Symptoms: The presence of a serpentine creature in your high-top footwear.

Description: Is there a snake in your boot? If you said “yes”, then you probably are suffering from a snake in your boot.

Treatment: Yee-haw! Giddy-up partner! We’ve got to get this snake a-movin’! Chop off your feet to rid yourself of that nuisance of a snake.

Saddle chafing

Symptoms: A tender ache in your southern territories, strutting like the proud cowboy you are.

Description: The jig is up: we all know why you’re walking with that cowboy swagger. If you find yourself avoiding your mount and further abrasion to your nether-regions, you probably suffer from saddle chafing.

Treatment : Wet your whistle with your drink of choice and loosen your britches. Removing the chaffed appendages will have you right as rain in no time.

This one should be the removal of the *cough* third leg