With nearly 10 million votes in the 2020 Democratic presidential primaries — and over 13 million in the 2016 primary preceding it — it is evident that there remains strong grassroots support for Vermont Senator Bernard Sanders and the progressive politics that he advocates. The recent election of former Vice President Joe Biden to the […]
With this month’s issue focused on conspiracy theories, we here at the Toike archives decided to delve into some original pieces written by one of the Toike’s most conspiracy-minded writers, Nicolas Coppola, better known today as Nicolas Cage. Though his time with the Toike was brief (he only wrote for the Toike for a grand […]
When Pope Eugenius III approved the invasion of the Wends by Christendom, little did he know that he would someday break the hearts of millions of Torontonians. In 1147, a coalition of Germanic Christians ruthlessly slaughtered an untold number of Wends. Through a complicated series of terribly unfortunate events, Vince Carter became upset and demanded […]
Toronto, ON — Expert scientists from the University of Toronto Department of Sciences have discovered that the reason why we experience rain is because people simply aren’t masturbating enough. “Every now and then we go through a very wet period here in Toronto, but this could easily be solved if you just flicked the bean […]
This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by The CIA. The CIA, we may be shady but so are beach umbrellas and they’ve never violated human rights. So why do you think we have? Norm: Hi there, I’m Norm McLuhan and […]
For decades, numerologists have conducted intensive research into the connection between numbers and their effect on our daily lives. This week, researchers at the Numerology University made a major breakthrough that strongly suggests the existence of the Illuminati and its role in shaping 2020. “We conducted a thorough investigation into the number ‘2020’”, says Mr. […]
The newest gaming craze sweeping across the world, Among Us, is proof that our trial system is fundamentally flawed. The reality is that we could easily sentence people to death based on shaky witness testimony and zero physical evidence in our actual system just as we do so frequently in the game. Among Us merely […]
So, explain this to me again. You’re saying that everyone in Hollywood and everyone in Washington is part of a cult that sacrifices children to Satan? Yes, but they also traffic the children before they sacrifice them. But half of Washington is also definitely not a part of this Satanic cult? Yep, they are firmly […]
Who is Supreme Leader Snoke in the new Star Wars Trilogy? Well, I have it on good authority that Supreme Leader Snoke is none other than, you guessed it, Mace Windu from the prequel trilogy. I’m sorry, what? We saw him die. We’ve seen a bunch of people “die” in Star Wars only to later […]
Okay, hear me out. Why do people talk about unraveling conspiracies when they’re getting to the bottom of things? Is it because conspiracies are complicated like spider-webs? Partially. It’s because when you’re getting to the bottom of conspiracies, you use a cork board and push pins and YARN. (Red yarn to be specific) Um, I’m […]
