Sunnydale Elementary School is this week’s source of obligatory racial tension, as parents and school faculty alike are up in arms over a playground game that quickly became, in the words of the board’s superintendent, “pretty fucking depraved.”
“We are doing the best to mitigate the situation,” informed the superintendent. “I can’t make too many comments at the moment, but it appears that the cowboys have successfully barred most of the Indians from the playground and are also currently holding hostages in the play pen.”
It all began when third grade teacher Mrs. Wayne suggested a new game to her students to help bolster their understanding of the day’s Canadian history lesson.
“We were discussing the history of First Nations in North America, and I wanted to do something engaging with the children. I suggested this old Cowboy-Indians game to teach them about western colonialism through a postmodernist lens, but I didn’t think it would come to this.”
Asked if anything could have been done to prevent this, Wayne replied, “Well, maybe letting them play with the toy pellet guns we built in 2nd period art wasn’t the best idea.”
One of the 8-year-olds barred from the playground mustered the courage to provide a recount of what happened.
“We were just there playing with our friends when the other kids came and stripped us of our resources. They took our lunches, Pokémon cards, and even my Tamagotchi. They stripped this land and left my people with nothing.”
The school’s staff is hard at work trying to convince the cowboys to give up control of the playground and release their hostages. Mrs. Watson has personally argued with the cowboy leaders, to no avail, that their actions are currently in violation of the classroom treaty that involves core amendments such as “don’t be mean” and “treat others the way you want to be treated.”
