HEY! YOU! Yeah, you. Come here. Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? OK, let me just describe a situation and let’s see if it sounds familiar. So, this person, let’s call them ‘Hugh’, has been watching The Walking Dead and the dozens of zombie movies that have been released in the last decade. and has spent that time preparing for, no, fantasizing about the zombie apocalypse. Now, ‘Hugh’ has said for years that they’re ready for the zombie apocalypse. Take that in, ‘Hugh’ is ready for A DISEASE THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO CONSUME OTHER PEOPLE!
Now, putting aside the fact that a zombie apocalypse would involve a serious amount of cardio (depending on the zombies), weapons, ammunition, non-perishable food (we’re gonna count Twinkies as non-perishable so fuck you Woody Harrelson in Zombieland), et cetera, it would also, in all likelihood, involve killing your friends, neighbors and even your family should they get bitten. Take that in! ‘Hugh’ is a psychopath who for a decade has been mentally preparing themselves to KILL THEIR FUCKING FRIENDS AND FAMILY!
OK, so let’s fast forward to this year, when a disease raged across the world. Now this wasn’t a sexy disease or a cool disease. It was just a boring old respiratory disease. OK, so definitely no family murder needed. And you probably don’t need that much weaponry or even cardio for it. SCORE!
In fact, all you need to help end this apocalyptic is stay home and watch TV as much as possible and wear a mask when they go out. Sounds easy, right? Well, apparently, it’s NOT easy for ‘Hugh’ to just relax at home while they help save lives. No, ‘Hugh’ insists on going out to parties without a mask and breathing in other people’s faces. Now, I can’t imagine anyone not having enough to keep them occupied at home these days, but CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT ‘HUGH’ WOULD HAVE DONE HAD THIS HAPPENED EVEN 20 YEARS AGO? IN THE AGE OF DIAL-UP INTERNET AND LIMITED TEXT MESSAGES!
At a certain point, you have to wonder what exactly makes a person so willing to live off beans and shoot their mother in the face in a hypothetical apocalypse when they can’t even sit on the couch watching The Office for the tenth time to help stop a very real global catastrophe. Eventually, this will all stop and you’ll be able to get all the hangovers and bad cases of chlamydia you want. But, for now, just, please, for the love of Satan, STAY THE FUCK AT HOME!