Fact: Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. How many more have to die? As of March 10th, 2020, recent scientific studies have been showing a strong correlation between the lack of teenagers in public settings and the death of kittens worldwide. This upswing in feline mortality started off seeming as a complete coincidence, […]
TO STEVEN SPIELBERG AND COLIN TREVORROW: Dear sirs, I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you are both busy people – more Steven than you Colin, but you hang in there – so I’ll get straight to the point. As a longstanding member of The Toike Oike – U of T’s and, […]
CENTRAL PRECINCT, GOTHAM CITY – Late Wednesday night, Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon announced that the vigilante known as Batman had been detained for his continued and blatant violation of the federal mask mandate. “For years, Batman has been allowed to operate as Gotham’s shield against supervillains because he was protecting people,” said Gordon. […]
NEW YORK CITY, USA – Fox News Channel has issued a statement apologizing to the public for their “irresponsible coverage” of the Ebola crisis in 2014. The statement, which cites the extremely small US death count attributed to Ebola (2 persons) as proof that the channel overreacted to the crisis at the time. Fox Corporation […]
With Toike staff quarantining across the globe, the Toike has been able to uncover articles such as this one from regional affiliates from around the world, including Great Britain. Written sometime in late 1940 by an anonymous resident of Westminster in London, “If I wanta read durin’ the nighttime, I will, arright Guv?” was an […]
