Editor’s Note: At the start of quarantine, Toike writer Edward Graham decided to keep track of his daily routine for posterity’s sake. The resulting journal details everything he did each day during quarantine as well as his inner thoughts and feelings. The journal was found in a Toike Google Drive folder with the most recent entry being dated two weeks before the start of school. Graham has not been heard from since. We must warn you that the following excerpts from the journal may contain graphic content and are not suitable for younger audiences. If anyone has information as to the whereabouts of Edward Graham, please contact Parker Johnston at email@example.com.
Day 1: Well, since we’re all going to be staying home for the next couple of weeks to stem the spread of COVID-19, I figure that now’s as good a time as any to start a journal to track my daily routine. I know a lot of people have been complaining about the prospect of a few weeks couped up at home but I think this time alone at home will be good for all of us. Personally, I plan on reading more, maybe trying to learn a new language and definitely cooking healthy meals rather than get takeout.
Day 10: Today, I think I’m going to jam out to some Bon Jovi to celebrate that we’re probably halfway through this whole quarantine business. Maybe play some Animal Crossing later in the day. But first, I heard there’s this video of celebrities singing Imagine so I’ve gotta check that out.
Day 11: WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT VIDEO WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?! LIKE, IF YOU’RE GOING TO POST A VIDEO THAT HELPS NO ONE AND ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING, COULDN’T YOU AT LEAST FIND PEOPLE WHO CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING SING?!?!
Day 14: Well, the government has lengthened the stay at home orders. Basically indefinitely. What the fuck?
Day 23: I’ve watched too much porn. I swear, I was playing Smash Bros. and Captain Falcon taunted but he said “Show me your boobs.” I rage quit because I didn’t appreciate the dig at my being out of shape.
Day 30: Apparently my parents are “worried” about me, so they set up a family Zoom call. Well, let me ask you this. If they’re so worried about me, WHY ARE THEY PUTTING THEMSELVES ON MUTE DURING THE CALL? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME? AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Day 49: Will somebody please tell me if people are still saying beards put you at higher risk of contracting COVID? I want to go outside but I haven’t shaved in weeks and I don’t want to get sick. I could shave just to be safe. I could finally smell something other than my unwashed beard. But then how would I track the passage of time?
Day 58: I finally downloaded Warzone. I think it’s gonna help with the effects of severe isolation. People normally yell at their friends for “throwing” in real life, right? And then you go to this weird prison place when you die? What if I’m already dead and I’m living in the Gulag? Who do I have to kill to get the hell out of here?
Day 62: I need something to watch on Netflix but I can’t decide between Tiger King and The Office. I mean, I love The Office but Tiger King is new and everyone was talking about it like a month ago. Or was that three years ago?
Day 65: I watched both.
Day 76: How to kill Tom nook. Wait this isn’t Google is it? Fuck where’s the delete key? Why the fuck did I turn on speech to text?
Day 88: Wow, I just reread my last few months of entries and they are insane. I think I might be doing what everyone else is doing, but like a full month late most of the time. That’s weird. But, I swear, I am 100% back to normal.
Day 89: So, one of my friends posted a video of themselves canoeing today…with a kayak paddle. Well, Sandy, WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING USE A SPOON TO WIPE YOUR ASS? BECAUSE, THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S FOR? THAT’S KIND OF MY POINT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Day 100: We’ve decided that we’re a great conversationalist. What’s that Smeagol?