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Kats and Masturbation

Fact: Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. How many more have to die?

As of March 10th, 2020, recent scientific studies have been showing a strong correlation between the lack of teenagers in public settings and the death of kittens worldwide. This upswing in feline mortality started off seeming as a complete coincidence, but as coronavirus has plagued the globe and quarantining has become the norm, this mortality rate has climbed faster than the son of a CEO with 3 sexual harassment cases against him climbs up the corporate ladder.

This sudden spike in perishing pussies sparked a revival of a seemingly satirical article from Georgetown University’s satirical newspaper “The Gonzo”. The 1996 article, aptly titled “Fact: Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. How many more must die”, brings to light the clear relationship between self-pleasure and the unholy wrath of god that is accompanied by it. Although punishment by the all seeing one on the grounds of “having a good wank” has been proven ever since the release of the J. Christ’s New York Times Best Selling book “The Bible”, scientists have struggled to uncover the application of God’s wrath. McGill University’s own Dr. Richard Stroker told our Toike Oike correspondent that “we always knew that masturbation was against God’s will but kept coming too quickly…to conclusions on what we thought were the effects of this heinous act”. When asked further on his background on the topic, the 25 year-old professor said “I have been studying the effects of masturbation for over 20 years, and I am absolutely baffled by how long it took us to finish…this research and actually uncover the consequences of having sex with your own hand”.

This discovery was of course referencing a paper released by the University of Arizona, which found that kittens seem to be receiving the ultimate punishment for our perpetual urge to think about copulating with another individual while slowly (or quickly, change of speed is kind of nice to better simulate the actual nature of a sexual interaction) massaging our nether regions. The study itself took 5 horny teenagers and had them exist in a completely isolated room with only 2 posters (one of Michael B Jordan, and one of Ariana Grande) for a total of one hour. Outside the research facility was a fenced off area containing 5 kittens – all of which died via a lighting strike during the hour-long study duration. The weather was 30 degrees Celsius and sunny.

When the subjects were asked about how they spent their time in isolation, most gave bullshit non-descriptive answers including “You know, just hung around” and “Nothing really”. However, after further peer pressure it was found that all 5 subjects indeed let off a load (in one case 5 loads) throughout their time in isolation. This research in combination with the patterns seen during this self isolation has led to an official statement from PETA who announced they would be commencing anti-masturbation propaganda in coalition with the Roman Catholic church, to hopefully change society for the better.

So as you read this, be sure to take into account your actions going forward you horny bastard, and be sure to remember that “Every time you beat your pussy up, God one ups you and beats up an innocent pussy elsewhere”.