This column features the 3 worst people, places or things (Nouns, for those of you who failed grade 4) in Toronto this month, personal bias definitely included.
- Everybody named Eric – It just seems like every time something happens, it’s a guy named Eric. Kennedy assassination? Eric. Other things that are bad? Eric. What more do you need? As an aside, Eric comes from the Latin word ‘ericos’, meaning ‘villain of epic proportions and who has a small cock’.
- Mayor John Tory – Picture this: you’re sitting at your computer watching a lecture. You press ‘raise hand’ to ask a question about entropy. The professor completely ignores you. Then, several hours later, you happen to be walking by a Shoppers Drugmart and you notice John Tory buying women’s shampoo. Coincidence? Maybe. But what you didn’t notice is after John Tory bought the women’s shampoo he turned into a lizard and crawled down the sewer.
- Eglinton Crosstown LRT – For those of you who don’t know, the Eglinton Crosstown LRT is a light rail currently being built by the city of Toronto. When construction broke ground in 1959, the LRT was scheduled to be completed in 10 months. So why isn’t it finished? Well, according to a credible source (some guy who had a sweater and boots on his dog in High Park), a construction worker by the name of Brian Likiponts was buried alive under a pile of rubble shortly after construction began. To avoid being cursed by the Likiponts ghost, construction workers only do 15 minutes of hard labour a day, and then stand around until it’s time to take up 2 seats on the GO train ride home.
Honorable mention: A dog I saw in High Park – Hear me out: I saw this dog wearing a sweater and boots in high park. Something was a little bit off about this dog. I’ll need you, my loyal readers, to figure this one out for me. Please go to High Park as often as possible and keep a look out for more suspicious dogs. If you find any information, the radioactive isotope in your arm will decay and form a code that will let you in the gate of a mansion in New Jersey. Then, stuff a manilla envelope into the mailbox and drive away. Watch out for Nazis though!