This column features the 3 worst people, places or things (Nouns, for those of you who failed grade four) in Toronto this month, personal bias definitely included.
- Hoarders – I’m sure we all probably know someone who stocked up on toilet paper this March. I’ll tell you one thing: I sure didn’t. I stopped wiping years ago. Personally, I think society has evolved beyond the need to wipe for a few reasons. Number 1, speed. Number 2, cost. The average Canadian spends $22 per year on toilet paper, which has inflated by 999999999999999% since medieval times. I refuse to be a slave to big TP. Born 2 shit, forced 2 wipe.
- Everyone in Toronto – I posted signs all across the city: above urinals at Jack Astor’s, above urinals at the Pickle Barrel, even above urinals in the staff washroom in Krispy Kreme, but nobody came to my birthday party. Not a single person. I went all out for this year too… I had a mosh pit, a kissing booth, a Heroin shooting station with one shared needle… What more do you want from me? I guess no one cares about me. Also, nobody can come to my next 15 birthday parties because I was sentenced to 15 years for Heroin use and distribution.
- The Toronto Raptors – I’m just going to say it: the Raptors were bad. They gave up an average of 106.3 points per game this season. What the hell? That’s more points given up per game than the Leafs, Blue Jays and Toronto FC combined. Also basketballs are orange now? I thought they were brown before. And longer. And they had laces.
Honorable mention: Fancy Joe’s Quesadillas and Teppanyaki bar – Why doesn’t this exist? I would go here a lot if it did.