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UTSU Office Closed Down

Students arrived on campus Wednesday morning to the mildly surprising sight of a boarded-up UTSU building, with messages plastered on the walls indicating that the student union’s headquarters have finally been condemned for good.

An unsigned letter found taped to the front door claims the closure was necessary due to “critical structural deficiencies” and “human health hazards”, among other reasons. A team of independent contractors determined “even if the offices were completely gutted, critical members replaced, and transparent glass installed into all windows, the core structure is simply too far gone to be salvageable.”

Current UTSU executives were surprised by the closure, claiming that the UTSU building has always been “100% structurally sound”. Outgoing VP Internal and defeated presidential candidate, Cameron Wathey, spoke out against the decision, saying he needed to get into his office to work on ignoring the hundreds of emails in his inbox. Other members of the ousted incumbent team could not be reached for comment, claiming that speaking to Toike reporters is against UTSU bylaws. We were then directed to take it up with the Policy & Structures Committee on which most of them sit.

Further digging by the Toike revealed that the University ordered the closure after an overnight inspection by local consulting firm, Brute Force Construction, deemed the building unfit for human occupancy. CEO of the company, Mario Baker, could not be reached for comment.

In addition to the structural issues, the investigation highlighted a number of other findings within the UTSU building, which were circulated to campus media through an anonymous email early this morning. Some of the troubling discoveries included:

– Persistent odour of bullshit present in every room at all times
– A solid gold desk in the President’s office
– Invoices in the VP Equity’s office detailing purchases for a large sombrero, an authentic poncho, and several bottles of Patron.
– A large collection of shiny objects piled in a basement corner, labelled “ASHKON’S, DO NOT TOUCH”
– A framed painting of Munib Sajjad signed, “To: Munib, Love, Munib.”
– Rejected Buzzfeed submissions by Cameron Wathey, titled: “How Not to Represent Students in 10 Small Steps” and “How to Act Like a Student Even If You Graduated 5 Years Ago”

At this point in time, it appears likely that the building will be torn down before the end of the semester.

The news isn’t all dark and gloomy, however. With new management taking control of the Union for the upcoming year, hope remains that a structurally sound UTSU building can be erected in the place of the old one. Whether that hope translates into reality is another matter entirely.

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