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Women’s Fashion Governed by Voodoo and Planetary Alignments

Researchers at top-secret facilities in Milan and Paris have published an exposé detailing exactly how women’s clothing sizes are determined. Fashion designers across the world use a combination of voodoo and astrology to size their garments, a fact which did not surprise any woman who actually buys clothes.

“One month, you’re a 12 in one brand and a 7 and a half in the other. Next month, you’re a 7 in the first brand and a 35 in the other. Like, I obviously thought something was up,” says Maddison, a Pisces. “I noticed that I could buy clothing more easily around March, but I thought, like maybe it’s just a coincidence? But now, I mean, it’s totally not, ‘cause I know my sun and moon signs. It all makes sense!”

The report describes the sizing practices of the major fashion labels, so anyone wishing to buy a particular article of clothing for the season is strongly encouraged to read the document in full to avoid any dressing room mishaps. For the average shopper, the researchers noted several trends that appeared across brands. Mars rising tends to cause a decrease in amount of fabric used, meaning that consumers should expect to be several sizes above their baseline during this period. In addition, both Saturn and Neptune descending cause a slight increase in sizes (usually by approximately 1-2 standard size units), which should be taken into account when making purchases during these times.

Independent researchers at the London College of Fashion have recently published their findings based on this report, citing a correlation between sacrifice rituals performed in the month of the animal’s moon sign and one’s ability to find the “perfect pair of boyfriend skinny jeans”.

Since the report’s release, sales of candles and incense have increased tenfold, as many women are increasingly preferring chicken or goat sacrifice to spending hours in a dressing room. For those opposed to animal cruelty, experts are recommending wearing pentagram amulets in the wearer’s birthstone. However, they caution that this method is less effective, as blood is the only real way to appease the fashion gods.