As the deadline for content entries reaches only a few hours, one desperate Toike writer decides to resort to the basest form of humour in order to produce a satisfying article.

“Yes, I know that we just had SexToike,” mutters this anonymous writer to themselves while furiously pounding their keyboard, “But if I can squeeze a few dick jokes in, that’s an easy ride.”

Yes, most of the people who pick up the Toike will be doing so for high-quality, unbiased journalism and not a bunch of dirty jokes, but nonetheless we all need to settle at one time or another. This may not be the biggest, longest, most powerful or high-impact article in the Toike, but hey, it’s technique that counts, right?

How do you really give the Toike Oike what it needs- a steamy, passionate act of reportership? Not that it has ever been particularly picky, after spending decades being
crammed full of all manner of articles. And with its circulation across campus, being picked up everywhere from libraries to the Pit at any time of day? This is a student paper that knows how to get around.

Hoping to garner some more readership, the article quickly became doubly penetrated with both low-quality jokes and less than satisfactory grammar that fails to sufficiently lubricate the sentence flow. The writer thrusted in unnecessary adjectives and fingered in uncreative verbs.

After a long, hard, sweaty session of writing, the author is ultimately unsatisfied, but fakes it anyways.

“Oh, Yeah, Baby! That’s the article I wanted right there!” The haggard Toikester states in a monotone voice. This feigned enthusiasm has become all too common in their relationship with the Toike– maybe it’s time to spice things up a bit with some toys, like a nifty new keyboard.