What’s that, you want to learn about the intricacies and perversities of sexual pleasure in the wizarding world? A glimpse into the dirty minds of witches and wizards in Hogwarts? Obviously you do because you’re reading this article, you fucking pervert.

So what, you saw the headline Harry Potter Sex and just had to dive in, huh? Wow. The headline doesn’t even make sense. It’s not “Wizard Sex”, it’s not “Sex in the Harry Potter Universe”, it’s not even “Harry Potter Having Sex” it’s just “HARRY POTTER SEX” like some trashy clickbait. Obviously you were too horny to care.

“I sure hope Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is a good movie,” thought the rest of the world. “I hope it has lots of raunchy sex,” thought you, you goddamn sicko.

You know most people memorize spells like avada kedavra and wingardium leviosa because they’re relevant to the books and movies. But you see them cast engorgio to enlarge a spider ONCE and ever since you can’t stop thinking about all the body parts engorgio could be used on. You make me so sick.

Or how about that polyjuice potion? Since reading about that I bet your mind as been dominated by thoughts of having sex as anyone you can get a hair from, or having sex as a different gender, or having sex with a copy of yourself, or becoming your friend and having sex with their partner, or having a whole room of Albus Dumbledores taking turns on you and calling it the Hogwarts Express. How could you even think of these things? You disgust me.

Harry Potter used the polyjuice potion to trick Malfoy into telling him about the Chamber of Secrets, but I bet you thought of tricking him into some other stuff, eh? Maybe Harry Potter turns into Hermione Granger and pretends to find himself helpless and lost in the Slytherin common room. “Help help! I’ve lost my homework and I don’t know how to get out! Which snakes do I gotta pull on to get outta here!” And then hours later as Draco and Goyle are exploring “Hermione’s” “‘Chamber’ of ‘Secrets’” and Crabbe watches from the corner, the spell wears off, but Draco and Harry are still so into it that they keep going.

“Engorgio” Harry hears Draco mutter, as the girth of him inside Harry began to expand and swell. Goyle and Crabbe consume polyjuice potions of their own, both transforming into Albus Dumbledore. BAM! The door slams open and Severus Snape bursts into the room. “What is the meaning of this?!” Snape demands as he downs his own polyjuice potion, also turning into Dumbledore and taking off his robe.

Where was I going with this again? Oh yeah, you’re a fucking pervert.