“Sit anywheres you like,” hissed Gollum, gesturing to a non-descript, fair-trade boulder near the centre of his studio cave in the up-and-coming neighbourhood beneath the Misty Mountains. “Is the reporterses hungry? We has fresh, local fishes for you to snacks on as an amuse-bouche! Very juicy!”

Gollum pours me a goblin skull full of all-natural, unfiltered cave pool water and lays out a tray of cavefish sashimi. Natural light pours in via a organic skylight, illuminating the entirety of the cavern as it catches the water. A cool breeze travels across the cave, from the neighbouring unit to the entrance. The wind carries with it a mild humidity and the smell of the sea.

The avant-garde/minimalist style of the place is somehow reminiscent of both the condominiums in Minas Tirith’s noble district and the mountaintop apartments one can find in Mordor. Reclaimed driftwood accent pieces are contrasted by authentic goblin bones from various strongholds throughout Middle-Earth.   

My attention is drawn to a small pile of moderately valuable buttons neatly assembled in a corner of the cave.

“Ohhhh, thoses? They belonged to a lame little Hobbitses who robs me. He tooks my Precious, but, like, my Precious was so 45 years ago. It’s now alls about reusing old armour in creative ways. Shieldses as paella pans, helmetses as flower pots.”

“Everyones’ obsessed with my Precious now, everyone wants it. Even more than public educations and healthcares. This the true Precious. If theys was truly cool they woulds have seen this new Precious’ potential years ago. They not smart like Gollum, not ahead of trends like Gollum”

“Do I regrets not having the Precious? Yeah, fadses like those comes back around every few yearses.”