As I approach the castle of Guy de Loimbard, I can’t help but notice the elegance of the simplistic exterior. The grey stone contrasts well with the lush green countryside on which it sits and the vibrant blue sky behind it. The turrets give the fortress a classic and timeless look. As I come closer to the keep, I see a heavy oak door, large enough to fit a large wooden rabbit, which seems to be meant to make guests feel small. I knock but no one comes to the door.

“Hallo,” I hear from above. At the top of the castle walls is an armour-clad man with a dark, twirled moustache. “Hallo, who is it?”

“Hello, I’m the writer from the Toike Oike, Arthur Pencillizard,” I shout to the knight. “I have an appointment with Guy de Loimbard to interview him and tour this castle.”

“Well, I will see if he wants me to let you in,” the man says in a heavy French accent, which confirms my suspicion of a strong French influence on the castle’s design. “But I don’t think he’ll be too keen on another writer coming into the castle. You see, we’ve already got one and he’s very nice.”

“I beg your pardon,” I shout, concerned that I may not get to see the regality of the interior. “But I have an appointment. Are you sure you have another writer up there already?”

“Oh yes. And he at least has some manners. But you come to the door and start bashing away at it as if your father was a donkey and you inherited his hooves. I blow my burps at you, sir. Now go back to your silly little paper or I shall taunt you again.”

“Now listen here, sir. I’ve been told by my editor that I can either come back with an article or not at all so you will let me in this instant!”

“No. I don’t want to look at you no more, you pig-nosed weasel. You’re probably immortal because I can’t imagine the Devil would want to spend time with you, you mud-covered sow.”

I try to think of a comeback as I admire the fine craftsmanship of the door and its ornate knocker and handles and OH MY GOD, HE’S THROWING ANIMALS OVER THE CASTLE WALLS AND I THINK THAT COW HAD AN ERECTION! RUN AWAY!